While I don't personally hate most individuals on this
planet, I'm not ashamed to say I hate a certain group of people with
a fiery vengeance. Said group are morons who try to act self
righteous without realizing that, despite their openly spoken
intention, are mostly doing the “right” thing because it benefits
them in some purely selfish way. For an easy example, merely check
out the line at your local Apple store to find said people retweeting
celebrity speeches they find via their iPhone 9 while they are
waiting in line for the iPhone X. They seek to be above the herd of
unwashed masses; never realizing that their actions merely lump them
into another group of people whose members are referred to by those
said unwashed masses at “some idiot”. Now, with Downsizing trying
once again to act progressive and make Matt Damon relevant, they've
managed to merely make him some asshole.
Downsizing, despite its weird theme, is little more
than an exercise in narcissism by its makers. The characters range
from bland and forgettable to blatantly obtuse, the message (save the
world by mostly taking yourself out of it) sells itself by promoting
selfishness more than anything, and Damon's character is so
one-dimensional I openly started referring to him as “some asshole”
by the end of this long-in-tooth, short-in-brains wannabe sci-fi
movie that acts like 90% of the doomsayers currently clogging up
every news feed on the planet: they aren't doing it because they want
to save the world so much as they want to feel good about being told
they are right. The result is a hollow experience that will likely be
remembered more for your frequent checking of your phone rather than
anything that ever happens on screen.
Fortunately, like most bad movies he's in, Christoph
Waltz seems to exist purely to save movies like this and does so with
all the flare and charm you would expect of him. Backed up
phenomenally by Udo Kier as his equally nihilistic brother and
complemented by a memorable turn by Hong Chau as his housekeeper,
these three characters serve as the sole saving grace of an otherwise
forgettable, preachy movie. No act of “environmental consciousness”
escapes their wrath. No pseudo-hero complex survives without their
innate ability to turn a buck by separating the self-righteous tools
of the miniverse from their inflated money. This movie should have
been about them!
As for watching it, got anything better to do this
weekend? Black Panther comes out in a few weeks so...you know, wait
for it or something. Have too many hours in an afternoon to kill?
This might make a good substitute for a nap if you can find
comfortable enough seats. Otherwise, avoid at all costs.
Alexander Payne (The Descendents) continues to make
preachy, nonsensical movies for himself instead of mass consumption
borne out of some crippling fear of money and success with
Downsizing. When WASP Paul (Damon) decides to do his part for the
environment and shrink himself to an eight centimeter man (it makes
slightly more sense in context), he finds that the world is just as
selfish and shallow in Tiny Town as it is in the actual world,
forcing him to take a long, hard look at his own motivations and,
upon seeing the error of his idiotic ways, continue to make the same
mistake because he's more comfortable being some idiot that being
someone who actually ACCOMPLISHES SOMETHING. Christoph Watlz will say
hilarious things, Hong Chau will have the best pillow talk
conversation EVER and you'll spend most of this two-and-a-half-hour
snoozefest wondering what mistake you made in life to deserve the
punishment of sitting through this tripe. Quality time...
My score: 2/10. Seriously, Hollywood. Is January your
new September or something? I get you have awards season stuff to
think about, but its not like those outcomes haven't already been
decided months ago. Can't you just leave your awards darlings alone
and try to feed the poor movie-going public something that they can
file under “didn't make me want to eat my own brain”?
