Rampage: Formulaic Monster Mash

There's a lot to be said about Dwayne Johnson as an actor. Sure, he started out with arguably the worst rep in the world (former professional wrestler), mostly stuck to garbage roles in his early career (Scorpion King, Doom) occasionally sprinkled with bouts of brilliant action movies (The Rundown) but, through perseverance and kind of shameless ability to not be picky about his roles (The Game Plan, Tooth Fairy), the man has managed to excel at his craft as both a great voice actor (Moana) and a actor who is far too talented to be doing the movies he's actually in (San Andreas). Now, with yet another Rock-flavored action movie in Rampage, he's finally getting to the point where he needs to ask the age-old question all legitimately great actors eventually have to ask: maybe I should find GOOD movies to star in for a change.

Okay, look, if you like action movies and you also happen to like Johnson's The Rock persona from his WWE days, chances are Rampage will entertain you and you will find this money well spent. Johnson still possesses some of the strongest on-screen charisma of any actor currently working today, he's backed up by an equally charismatic, if under utilized, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the simplistic plot is complimented by enough “Ooh, look at that!” moments that you'll likely forget about most of the human characters anyway, and, come on, if you came to this movie for any other reason than to see a bunch of giant animal hybrids fight each other to the death, you're probably in the wrong movie theater to begin with. This is a movie meant for an audience who knows exactly what they are paying for before they even see the theater in the distance. Big, dumb fun with the occasional plot dump followed by more big, dumb fun, while not necessarily the makings of a great movie, is still a pretty solid way to sell tickets.

Unfortunately, if you're hoping for Godzilla-style action without the Bryan Cranston widower-with-a-chip-on-his-shoulder or Pacific Rim-style punch-the-giant-Cthulu-monster-in-the-face-with-your-robotic-rocket-arm kind of action, you'll likely leave disappointed. Johnson's Davis Okoye, despite being easily the most interesting human character, largely remains a blank slate outside of the whole hating humanity for hatred's sake and despite their very worthy efforts, neither Naomie Harris nor Malin Akerman come off as anything more than attractive mouthpieces for the next pointless plot dump that is the overly cheesy dialogue and melodramatic script. Seriously, Hollywood, get Johnson a good director for a change!

As for watching it, did you like San Andreas despite its near-fatal flaws of being both dour in tone and wordy in exposition? Chances are you'll find much to love here and, even if you won't get to see what we all truly want to see (The Rock punch a giant monster in the face), you'll likely get a close facsimile of it (The Rock shoots giant monsters in the face with EXPLOSIVES). Bored with these kind of movies and totally aware that this summer will be full of this kind of thing? Feel free to look up Isle of Dogs or A Quiet Place for your entertainment fix this week.

Brad Peyton (San Andreas) continues to get work in action movies courtesy of his buddy Dwayne Johnson despite not really having anything resembling a feel for it with Rampage, a sometimes entertaining, mostly too dramatic take on giant monsters and how people fight them. When his gorilla charge George is infected with a genetic engineering hormone and grows to the size of a van (then a school bus, then a yacht and so on), Primotologist Davis Okoye (Johnson) seeks both answers to why his friend is currently rampaging across the United States and revenge on the people responsible. Basically a lot of heavy-handed dialogue followed by Johnson punching out his problems (and occasionally blowing stuff up). If you're after giant explosions and creature fights, you can't really go wrong here.

My score: 4/10. Goodbye, Milos Forman. Sure, you are guilty of directing Hair, but I'll never think of a man tearing a water fountain off its hinges and throwing it out a window after smothering his best friend without thinking of you (One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest).

A Quiet Place: Deafening Dread

If my review of Hush is any indication, I love movies that know how to get sound (or lack thereof) right. When this is done properly, particularly in the thriller/horror genre, it lends itself to a sense of dread far and beyond what any typical slasher movie can offer. When this sound perfects silence, however, we the audience become just as much a victim as those we root for to survive. It instills in its audience both a sense of foreboding (knowing that something bad will happen) tempered only by the false flags and red herrings that come with the territory (we all jump at innocuous sounds that are harmless in anticipation of the truly bad things to come). With John Krasinski's major debut film A Quiet Place, this aspect as been honed to near perfection.

Yes, readers, A Quiet Place is awesome simply by exceeding your expectations of a horror movie. The limited script and sound design cast a shadow of dread over ever frame, the peaceful setting and ambient noises make every sudden loud noise shock and terrify for what it may bring, Millicent Simmonds is both brilliant and endearing without uttering a word and, mostly due to the film's almost religious dedication to the power of silence, even its quiet moments do little outside of making you wonder what will happen next. It does horror without seeming to try and it does so to a near perfect balance. How did a modern, big budget horror move pull something like this off?

Unfortunately, much like Hush before it and due to the previously mentions terror-filled silence, most of the actual scares here equate to either jump scares (compounded by the audience's anticipations) and the traditional you're-looking-in-the-wrong-direction-BOO misdirection common among movies of the Insidious or Conjuring brand of horror. While this isn't bad at first, it begins to become rather predictable as the movie nears its conclusion and, as a result, tends to deaden viewers to what was certainly a twist Krasinski was hoping for when he direct the climax. This, mixed with the common post-apocalyptic trope of not really explaining what the monsters are or exactly how they destroyed the world in a few short years, tends to cause unanswered questions that linger long after the closing credits. If your big takeaway from a post-apocalyptic horror movie is “How did it come to this?”, you probably lazed around the script writing process.

As for watching it, can you sit quietly in a theater for ninety minutes? If so, go for this and enjoy not only a pretty awesome movie but the fact that your sitting in a theater with many people unable to do that, making the movie scarier based just on the jumpier audience member's reactions (which are sometimes more fun than the movie's more boring filler parts). Do you tend to fidget when a movie's becomes uncomfortable? Good luck being the center of attention when those around you scream because you accidentally shook a cup of ice in a dead silent theater (which is also pretty hilarious). It's a horror movie win-win! How often does that happen?

John Krasinski (he's that guy everybody likes from The Office) makes a stellar major studio debut with A Quiet Place, a dread-filled, white knuckle ride with a frustrating, yet simple to follow, premise. After the humanity has been wiped out by indestructible, alien-like creatures who hunt by sound (the movie never explains exactly what they are), the Abbott family tries to survive by living in complete silence on a isolated farm in the woods. Minimal sign language will be learned, you'll constantly be staring at the corners of the screen for potential jump scares, Emily Blunt will sell her weary and protective mother role for every ounce of emotion she can squeeze out of her face and you will probably spend the majority of the movie telling yourself how tough you must be for not jumping at that last jump scare when HERE'S THE REAL THREAT! BOO!

My score: 8/10. I know I'm supposed to be sad and mournful when [spoiler removed] dies for making too much noise, but I just couldn't bring myself to cry for someone who died so stupidly. Much like the case of teenagers and Tide Pods: Don't weep for the stupid or you'll be crying all week.

Ready Player One: A Nerd's Fever Dream

There's something to be said about entertainment and its evolution since the late 70s. This, despite what you might be told by the bygone era, has been a time of strange upheaval in Hollywood. Gone are the days of thinking science fiction is for the geeks of our species or that high-minded concepts should be consigned strictly to the drama genre. And, while its more recent missteps have become more glaring due to the art of cribbing previous, better directors' styles, it still remains a not only lucrative but pro-intelligence branch of cinema. How do authors respond to this phenomenon? Write a book with as much pop culture that you can cram into a few hundred pages, add a few future world fears to the mix, and just roll with your own personal geek love. Shockingly, this works for Ready Player One in ways I didn't think possible.

Before I begin talking about how awesome this movie actually is, please know that, if you are a fan of Ernest Cline's novel, chances are the plot progression won't be something you are fond of. Gone are the random arcade cabinet encounters, the more adult-oriented themes, the more-than-a-little obscure movie and videogame references and, of course, the actual set up to the big multi-billion dollar contest that takes up the bulk of the novel. Most of these things have been streamlined down to near oblivion not only for the purpose of editing (the movie is still 2 and a half hours long) and for accessibility (no more corporate murder), but also for the sake of character arcs that the book sorely missed (the main bad guy actually has a personality this time).

Fortunately, if you can ignore some of your fanboy-induced hysteria from the book and just embrace the insanity that is the movie, you will find what can best be described as a nerd's beautiful fever dream. This is a movie designed not for the masses but for the poor kid living in front of his Atari 2600 in his 1980s attic and having weird, dancing E.T.s floating around in his dreams. The characters mostly match up and manage to remain endearing, the challenges of the contest, though dumbed down, are still entertaining and the final battle is just as brilliant and weird as you would expect for something involving the Iron Giant taking on Mecha-Godzilla to a Twisted Sister song (yes, that actually happens here). Is young Spielberg somehow back?

As for watching it, yes, do that. Despite being a fan of the book, even I am hard-pressed to find flaws in the edited down film version. Sure, you miss out on unnecessary sequences where the main characters play arcade cabinets for sparkly keys and weird riddles, but, in its place, you get to see what would happen if you took a virtual vacation into Stephen King's The Shining with no previous knowledge of the plot (it might be the funniest scene of the year so far). Feeling like your not ready for the kind of commitment to 80s culture this film shovels? Good luck watching Black Panther for the tenth time.

Stephen Spielberg (every good 80s movie ever) basically reclaims his position as a nerd director with Ready Player One, a colorful, bonkers, funny look at what would happen if the people of the future became obsessed with the 1980s all over again. As the world dies from overpopulation and inflation of currencies, its people escape into the online world of Oasis, an MMO-style online universe whose economy is the strongest in the world. When its progressive-minded existence (everyone is welcome) is threatened by an evil telecommunications company, Wade Watts (Tye Sheridan) and his friends seek out a mysterious Easter Egg hidden within the world in order to gain control of Oasis for its players. Yeah, its really weird, but its a good weird.

My score: 8/10.