Sunday, March 8, 2020

Birds of Prey: Harley Quinn and some other people

Its easy to see DC's Suicide Squad as the last full-throated gasp of an idiotic attempt to be Marvel. A terrible plot, near-atrocious acting from most of the cast and an almost insane commitment to being “dark and edgy” not only drove away fans from this half-hearted (and Oscar-winning) attempt at yet another franchise but also served as a stark realization that Warner Brothers had lost its way long ago. Sure, we could always argue that this stain on cinema led to the realization that light-hearted characters (Aquaman, Shazam) and the concept of fun (the ending of Justice League) could be the way to cinematic gold but, at that very moment in history, gritty was the selling point because Batman was still most customer friendly (and lucrative) thing they had to offer. Now, with all that stupidity behind them and with the realization that you CAN make a good movie about individual superheroes without the obligatory team-up, how does DC attempt to rejuvenate their image? Why, by taking the only truly good thing about that particular eyesore (Margot Robbie's Harley), adding a few awesome comic book characters with matchbook-thin character development for people who don't know who they are and dumping it all into the lap of a director who is far outside her comfort zone to make anything outside of disjointed “Girl Power” movie. Man, just when you think they drank away the stupid, they fill another glass...
Okay, okay, I'll be nice for the sake of all those Harley Quinn fans out there: Margot Robbie is still awesome as this character and she remains perhaps the best thing about those previously mentioned bad ideas known as the DCEU (except maybe Wonder Woman). She still nails the character perfectly, her comic timing lands more than it misses and there's enough here to make it feel like a genuine Harley movie. Toss in a few choice characters from DC's rogues gallery (Black Mask! Victor Zsasz! Huntress!) and you even have the bones for something that might be a little fun if you read a couple of comics and actually knew who these people were outside of an Arrow binge-watch. What went wrong?
Well, for the most part, Birds fails because it decides to focus on its most successful character and unceremoniously pushes anything else interesting out the window. Sure, its fun to watch Harley go through the Break-up Blues with all the grace of a psychopath, but we can't get more than two minutes of backstory on interesting characters like Huntress (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) or Black Canary (Jurnee Smollet-Bell)? Also, who choreographed these fight scenes? Better question: who picked the earworm “Girl Power” music for this? I've seen some bad fight choreography in my lifetime, but nothing compares to watching a bunch of fully-capable actresses being reduced to what can best be described as River Dance fighting to whatever bad breakup music pops into my head while watching these things. I'm not saying they CAN'T fight, just that it would be nice to see a fight scene end with something a little more substantial than “she kicked him in the groin”.
As for watching it, what did you think of Suicide Squad? Did you hate it but thought Robbie was fun and secretly wished she'd had a better script to work with? Cool. You probably won't find too much to complain about since she's the main character in a movie about a superhero team she's not even part of. Did you hate Suicide Squad, Robbie warts and all? Go watch Aquaman again to remind yourself that DC knows how to have fun. You know its a bad day when all your options are built around how high on the scale your hatred of Suicide Squad is.
Cathy Yan (Dead Pigs) dips her head into big budget filmmaking before fleeing back to the safety of art house until the next diversity hire with Birds of Prey (I'm not writing out the entire title). After permanently cutting herself out of Joker's life in a break-up, Harley Quinn (Robbie) must learn to fend for herself in the dog-eat-dog world of the Gotham City Underworld. Complicating this matter is the fact that half the city wants her dead out of revenge from her with-Joker days and the other half are searching for a poorly explained MacGuffin in the form of a diamond with a bunch of bank accounts inscribed on it. Huntress (Winstead) shows up for vengeance and is freaking awesome as an awkward assassin in her whopping five minutes of screentime, Black Canary (Smollet-Ball) calls “present” when her name is read in front of the class and Rosie Perez just kind of plays herself with a toy badge. I thought we'd already had this discussion, DC. Make your movies FUN!
My score: 4/10. They put Victor Zsasz in this movie and he's a mob henchman. They took one of the most nihilistic (not to mention one of the creepiest) supervillains in the DC Rogues Gallery and they made him a one-dimensional mob henchman. Use the character right or don't use him at all.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

2019 In Review

2019 was a bad year. Don't argue; I'm right. Our people are divided by what feels like a chasm, impeachment is a word uttered every six words (I counted) and, yes, we currently live in a world where no one seems to want to point out that our three most likely future leaders of the free world are a combined age of around 230 years old. So, just for a few minutes, let's not worry about this. Let's not worry about the world or how everything is horrible or how stupid people are probably being offended by the fact that I didn't use the correct gender when describing a year (a year is called an “it”, in case you were wondering enough to care). Instead, let's talk about those few times where the world isn't bearing down on all of us and we merely want to escape for a few hours by sitting in a dark room with a bunch of strangers and all collectively stare a building-sized screen. In addition, let's give out a bunch fake, poorly named awards! Let's also pretend that they are made by a sane person instead of merely a bribe from a kind-hearted, put-upon editor who would love said sane person to stop incessantly bothering him about whether Japanese Spiderman should make an appearance in the next Marvel team-up (the answer is “yes”, Ray. It's ALWAYS “yes”.). Anyway, these are my Awards of 2019!

The How Darth Vader Was Finally Born award for properly making a character awesome: Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Say what you will about the movie being a few matches short of a total dumpster fire when it comes to plot and characters. Abrams took the bones of a great villain put in place by Rian Johnson and miraculously made a deep, nuanced character with not only a redeemable arc but also sold it to audiences in such a beautiful way that even I was actively rooting for him by the end. D-Did Abrams just have an original idea?

The I'll Think About It More After a Few (Dozen) Showers award for “ickiest” ending of the year: The Great Fire in Midsommar. Don't lie: the four of us that watched this gonzo horror masterpiece wanted Dani (Florence Pugh) to have her happy ending. The fact that it played out as something so horrific for the other participants was negated by Dani finally, mercifully smiling. I needed to hug my cat after that...

The Best Cardboard Cutout Award for stiffest performance of the year: Brie Larson, Captain Marvel. I would hate on Larson for being in this forgettable, middling movie and bringing nothing to the character outside of a stiff, lifeless performance but, considering she's playing a stiff, lifeless, unlikeable comic book character, I think I'll just pass on all the hate. Good job, Larson! You truly were the best Captain Marvel!

The Ghostbusters 3.0 (You Knew This One Was Coming) award for once again failing to read an audience before cranking out your tripe: Charlie's Angels. Let's ignore all the mean things said about the movie before it ever landed in theaters. Let's also ignore the fact that the promotion was kind of flimsy and, yes, this was still a remake of a long-dead franchise that no one asked for. Let's instead focus on the fact that a production company received a script that they knew would not succeed, hired a director who would do nothing but tick off or scare away any normal fans of such a movie and, when the box office failure inevitably happened, promptly blamed the audience instead of the total lack of original thought. Tell me again how attitude sells tickets, Elizabeth Banks!

The Earworm But I Still Somehow Love It Award for creating a catchy, annoying tune that will never, ever leave my brain: The Catchy Song from Lego Movie 2. Yes, the song is still in my head several months later. No, I haven't seen the movie since February. Yes, I'm considering some form of limited lobotomy to get it out of my freaking head. Thanks, Lego Movie!

The What Universe Is This? Award for creating something awesome for a change: Shazam! Say what you will about Avengers: Endgame or Spiderman: Far From Home. Neither of those movies carried the heartfelt humor or lovable characters into a story that was cute (it's about family!), led with its charm (the main character was just fun) or relentlessly surprising (it's a freaking DC movie!). Seriously, which Warner Brother exec thought this movie was a good idea and did he get a raise for it?

The Pure Emotion Award for the funniest conversation ever: Poe Dameron's (Oscar Isaac) eyebrows in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Guilty Confession: I've seen every Disney-led Star Wars movie exactly one time and have never had the urge to revisit them (even the ones I like). I find them derivative, silly fan fiction with limited story scope and exactly zero replay value. That said, why do I now want to rewatch Part IX just to see a thirty second exchange between Poe and Zorii (Kerri Russell) where he flirts, she rejects and he just rolls with it? Better question: how is it that, in such a dialog-heavy movie, the part that made me laugh out loud had exactly zero words spoken and might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen in a Star Wars movie? Seriously, somebody nominate Isaac's eyebrows for an Oscar!
Happy New Year, everybody! May 2020 be at least 3 times better than 2019 and half as irritating. The bars kind of low here...