2019
was a bad year. Don't argue; I'm right. Our people are divided by
what feels like a chasm, impeachment is a word uttered every six
words (I counted) and, yes, we currently live in a world where no one
seems to want to point out that our three most likely future leaders
of the free world are a combined age of around 230 years old. So,
just for a few minutes, let's not worry about this. Let's not worry
about the world or how everything is horrible or how stupid people
are probably being offended by the fact that I didn't use the correct
gender when describing a year (a year is called an “it”, in case
you were wondering enough to care). Instead, let's talk about those
few times where the world isn't bearing down on all of us and we
merely want to escape for a few hours by sitting in a dark room with
a bunch of strangers and all collectively stare a building-sized
screen. In addition, let's give out a bunch fake, poorly named
awards! Let's also pretend that they are made by a sane person
instead of merely a bribe from a kind-hearted, put-upon editor who
would love said sane person to stop incessantly bothering him about
whether Japanese Spiderman should make an appearance in the next
Marvel team-up (the answer is “yes”, Ray. It's ALWAYS “yes”.).
Anyway, these are my Awards of 2019!
The
How Darth Vader Was Finally Born award for properly making a
character awesome: Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) in Star Wars: The Rise of
Skywalker. Say what you will about the movie being a few matches
short of a total dumpster fire when it comes to plot and characters.
Abrams took the bones of a great villain put in place by Rian Johnson
and miraculously made a deep, nuanced character with not only a
redeemable arc but also sold it to audiences in such a beautiful way
that even I was actively rooting for him by the end. D-Did Abrams
just have an original idea?
The
I'll Think About It More After a Few (Dozen) Showers award for
“ickiest” ending of the year: The Great Fire in Midsommar. Don't
lie: the four of us that watched this gonzo horror masterpiece wanted
Dani (Florence Pugh) to have her happy ending. The fact that it
played out as something so horrific for the other participants was
negated by Dani finally, mercifully smiling. I needed to hug my cat
after that...
The
Best Cardboard Cutout Award for stiffest performance of the
year: Brie Larson, Captain Marvel. I would hate on Larson for being
in this forgettable, middling movie and bringing nothing to the
character outside of a stiff, lifeless performance but, considering
she's playing a stiff, lifeless, unlikeable comic book character, I
think I'll just pass on all the hate. Good job, Larson! You truly
were the best Captain Marvel!
The
Ghostbusters 3.0 (You Knew This One Was Coming) award for once
again failing to read an audience before cranking out your tripe:
Charlie's Angels. Let's ignore all the mean things said about the
movie before it ever landed in theaters. Let's also ignore the fact
that the promotion was kind of flimsy and, yes, this was still a
remake of a long-dead franchise that no one asked for. Let's instead
focus on the fact that a production company received a script that
they knew would not succeed, hired a director who would do nothing
but tick off or scare away any normal fans of such a movie and, when
the box office failure inevitably happened, promptly blamed the
audience instead of the total lack of original thought. Tell me again
how attitude sells tickets, Elizabeth Banks!
The
Earworm But I Still Somehow Love It Award for creating a
catchy, annoying tune that will never, ever leave my brain: The
Catchy Song from Lego Movie 2. Yes, the song is still in my head
several months later. No, I haven't seen the movie since February.
Yes, I'm considering some form of limited lobotomy to get it out of
my freaking head. Thanks, Lego Movie!
The
What Universe Is This? Award for creating something awesome
for a change: Shazam! Say what you will about Avengers: Endgame or
Spiderman: Far From Home. Neither of those movies carried the
heartfelt humor or lovable characters into a story that was cute
(it's about family!), led with its charm (the main character was just
fun) or relentlessly surprising (it's a freaking DC movie!).
Seriously, which Warner Brother exec thought this movie was a good
idea and did he get a raise for it?
The
Pure Emotion Award for the funniest conversation ever: Poe
Dameron's (Oscar Isaac) eyebrows in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker.
Guilty Confession: I've seen every Disney-led Star Wars movie
exactly one time and have never had the urge to revisit them (even
the ones I like). I find them derivative, silly fan fiction with
limited story scope and exactly zero replay value. That said, why do
I now want to rewatch Part IX just to see a thirty second exchange
between Poe and Zorii (Kerri Russell) where he flirts, she rejects
and he just rolls with it? Better question: how is it that, in such
a dialog-heavy movie, the part that made me laugh out loud had
exactly zero words spoken and might have been the funniest thing I've
ever seen in a Star Wars movie? Seriously, somebody nominate Isaac's
eyebrows for an Oscar!
Happy
New Year, everybody! May 2020 be at least 3 times better than 2019
and half as irritating. The bars kind of low here...
