Riverdale: Takes a familiar formula; does the same thing...

While I would be surprised if I'm alone, I'm one of the few people I know who's actually read a large number of Archie Comics. And, keep in mind this is coming from someone who made the conscious decision to read this tripe (a lot!), let me be the first to say that the comics are complete bullshit. Archie is a selfish idiot, Veronica is a bitchy socialite with a competitive streak, Betty is an airhead who seems to be slumming it in her infatuation with Archie and the whole town of Riverdale was pretty much just an overly perfected version of classic Americana with little beneath the surface. Now, apparently realizing that their signature creation really is THAT awful, the creators have decided to turn the whole damned thing into a CW series and...they really didn't add much to the mix. Talk about not hearing the dogs barking in your head.
Sadly, from a strictly watchable standpoint, Riverdale excels in its own averageness. Archie is now an oversexed teenager with a serious Edward Cullen complex (I'm curious if he would sparkle if the sun would ever come out). Kevin is little more than you basic stereotype of a gay best friend to Betty, the series rather cheery outlook on life as been replaced by a murder mystery in the heart of eternal fog country, Jughead has become an emo and, apparently to be just a little late on the timely train, Veronica's dad is now Bernie Madoff. Good job swinging for the fences and still missing, CW!
Fortunately, if you can look past the fact that the writers basically took Vampire Diaries (dark and broody), Pretty Little Liars (somewhat interesting characters with uninteresting plots) and Teen Wolf (beautiful, oversexed people in various states of undress), you might find something worth the forty plus minute slog the pilot quickly becomes. Despite being the second least likeable character from the comics (behind Archie), Veronica (Camila Mendes) is sort of endearing as a former socialite-queen-bitch-turned-wannabe-good-person. I know this is only the pilot and they have twenty-plus episodes to totally screw her up and turn the whole damned thing into another will-they-won't-they love triangle but, come on, when was the last time you felt like rooting for the Veronica in this particular tricycle? And, while the character quickly devolved into Joey from Season 1 of Dawson's Creek (openly pining for the guy too stupid to notice the burning house in front of him), Betty (Lila Reinhart) actually kind of fits the role well enough to make her memorable and, dare I say it, endearing. Hell, if the show could have just been about Betty and Veronica and just killed off Archie (or sent him away to boarding school for a semester, I don't care!), it almost feels like this show would have improved twofold based solely on the winning combo of catty (Veronica) and stoic (Betty).
As for watching it, is there literally anything else on? Yeah, good luck with that decision. I guess if you're really hard up you can endlessly repeat the out-of-nowhere Veronica-Betty cheerleader audition makeout on CW.com or laugh at some of the stale jokes that fall flat because of Jughead's (Cole Sprouse) terribly bland delivery, but, let's be honest, nothing in this particular episode feels even remotely unique. Every character is playing a worse version of terrible characters you've seen in slightly better shows and, even with the added incentive of a series that is trying to "modernize" a very outdated story, there just isn't anything here that makes it stick out. Maybe Jughead will get more screen time to actually DO SOMETHING in Episode 2...

Virginia: Less Interesting Than The Actual State

While I can appreciate game companies and their strange (and often ridiculous) methods, sometimes their wonky ideas just don't lead anywhere particularly special because they don't actually seem to GET what makes a person actually play a videogame. For those uninitiated to the whole process: we play for a.) mindless entertainment (Gears of War), b.) puzzles that we feel smart trying to solve and better about when we finally do solve (Portal) or c.) we seek an in-depth story that we can not only immerse ourselves in, but also feel like we are a pivotal part of the living narrative (literally ANY RPG ever made). With the adventure/mystery Virginia...I'm not exactly sure where the hell developer Variable State was going with it.

Okay, nice things first: the game has an amazing soundtrack and, despite having no discernable dialog, works on a narrative standpoint that wouldn't have if it somehow hadn't been able to make you care about the poorly pixelated characters. And, while I never really cared about the story, the fact that I genuinely cared about the central mystery says wonders about either how well the game is made or how low my actual standards for a videogame might actually be. There's a win in there somewhere.

Unfortunately, the game ultimately fails because, unlike other narrative-driven games (Walking Dead, Life Is Strange, Game of Thrones, ANY RPG!), the gameplay itself is boring as hell. There's no puzzle to solve or even real mystery to uncover (despite the central plot trying to be interesting). Its just your perspective with a little damn dot that occasionally grows into a circle to tell you where to go. Point A to Point B and so on without any rhyme or reason only punctuated by the occasionally jarring jump to the next section of the game. Throw in the obnoxious probability of FUCKING COLLECTIBLES and you have a game that, once finished, you just can't bring yourself to ever play again because of the increasingly boring slog that was that three hours of your life.

Now, with that out of the way, why was this game so beloved amongst the critical circuits? Most critics seemed to praise the fact that the main characters were two black women, but isn't that like trying to give the new Ghostbusters a free pass for its terrible script strictly because it had women leads? Or nominating Ava DuVernay for an Oscar simply because she's a black woman (anyone in Hollywood could have directed Selma)? Yet, beyond reason, most gaming outlets shower this game with praise for its progressive thinking instead of its actual gameplay innovation when, in the end, it's little more than an obnoxiously long walking simulator with limited replay value and one of the most unsatisfying endings I've seen in gaming in many years. The annual gaming award circuits have some explaining to do...

Passengers: Heroes Can Suck Too

While it might seem strange to hear this, Rogue One has managed to point out one of the most serious flaws in our movies: the heroes are just too freaking perfect. I don't mean they are annoying simply because they are good guys or that the whole “truth and justice” thing has become any less compelling. Its just that, when a hero emerges in a movie, whether he possesses superpowers or just a really dry wit, they tend to be written as perfect specimens of humanity rather than what they should be: selfish, egotistical people who, when called upon, set aside their most human aspects for the greater good. I might root for Captain America to catch the bad guy but I'd still like to believe he has some kind of personal flaw that makes him, you know, HUMAN. Now, with the failure of Morten Tyldum's Passengers to make any kind of dent in the box office, it...appears people disagree with this opinion. Go figure.

Yes, Passengers, despite having one of the easiest-to-dislike protagonists in recent memory, is a passable sci-fi movie that at least seems to understand its own tropes. Chris Pratt is still funny and pulls off a strangely human performance as engineer Jim, Jennifer Lawrence is just likable enough that the weird second act can almost be forgiven, Michael Sheen is the second best robot of 2016 without having to do anything outside of mix drinks and, even though you don't see enough of it, the ship and space action is still enough fun to justify its overly long run time. On top of all this, it finally gives us something in a sci-fi movie that we actually need: a protagonist that you can't in good conscience root for because of his most selfish act. Say what you will about Pratt or his charming onscreen presence. No amount of humor will ever overshadow the fact that Jim is a bad person and, unlike pretty much every other movie I've seen this year, it is a welcome change from the usual batch of All-American (Captain America), socially conscious (Now You See Me 2), overly rote-with-humanity (Hacksaw Ridge) characters that seem to permeate everything in movies over the last few years. He makes you like him by hating yourself.

As for bad, why exactly is Laurence Fishburne in this movie? The guy is a better actor than what this movie requires and to have someone of his caliber here merely to spout sci-fi lingo and try to play temporary peacemaker between the two leads almost feels trite in its very concept. This, mixed with the wonky chemistry (which is also mixed with the foreknowledge of how they came together), make this otherwise passable sci-fi movie feel like some kind of back-handed soap opera rather than anything meant to entertain. You don't tie good actors into a bad game of will-they-won't-they just to extend the run time, people!

As for watching it, are you a fan of Chris Pratt, Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Sheen or anything space travel related? Go for it and feel bad about being a human who would totally do the same thing in the same position. Have you managed to avoid the undeserving hype surrounding the limited talents of Lawrence but think Pratt's pretty awesome in most of his stuff? You'll get plenty of him to make up for the unfortunate Lawrence presence but probably feel the awkwardness when the big reveal (that you've known for an hour) is finally exposed to all. Pick your poison.

Morten Tyldum (The Imitation Game) tries to make his Oscar-level directing fit the sci-fi genre with passable results with Passengers, a heavy on the charm, light on the brain, sci-fi romance with early actions that are almost guaranteed to take you completely out of a sympathetic state. Awakened 30 years into a 120 year spaceflight, Jim (Pratt) must contend with the fact that he will die from old age long before anyone else awakens on his space ark. Contemplating suicide, he is given a new lease on life when he finds the pod of Aurora (Lawrence) and, bear with me here, sabotages her stasis pod and pretty much CONDEMNS HER TO THE SAME FATE. Romance ensues. Yeah, I can totally see that working out for the best.

My score: 6/10. Is it weird that I completely understand Jim's actions even though they took me completely out of the movie less that thirty minutes in?

Sweet/Vicious Episode 6: Fearless. Fearful Copout.

While I can appreciate Sweet/Vicious for its complete lack of interest in your emotional investment or feelings about how it should play out, there are times when the show blatantly blows its hand for the sake of continuity. Regardless of where Ophelia or Jules wind up each week, it was always fun either watching them loosen the noose around their necks or just plot out the next completely bonkers revenge plot. And, with the events of Episode 5 finally rearing their ugly heads (the whole campus knows there's a vigilante on the loose), it finally appeared that the duo had been cornered in a way to force the show to finally invest in a permanent solution to the series weakest problem: just how are these girls supposed to walk away from this scot free?

For the most part, Fearless was a decent episode with enough remnants of the Episode 5's unique twists that it almost felt like Harris would finally put the pieces together or Nate would finally figure out exactly what Jules' problem with him was (he was too drunk to realize what actually happened) or, maybe, the whole world would finally figure out that the vigilante was actually targeting the right people. And, while none of these things came to fruition, it was still fun to watch Ophelia finally react intelligently to the threat of arrest by figuring out how to make an effective scapegoat.

Unfortunately, even after two episodes of the promised prospect of Harris finally figuring it all out and either a.) turning our heroes in or b.) joining them, it turned out the show just wasn't willing to pull that particular trigger. The Harris arc has officially been pulled back to another safe distance and the duo is free to either stop altogether (unlikely) or continue with a vengeance (more likely considering Nate's actions at the end).

On the plus side, we are finally able to glimpse why Darlington College seems to be such a safe haven for rapists (the president is involved) and, even when campus cop Barton seems to be grasping at minimal fumes, he still seems to be the best bet for figuring everything out (he finally found the damn wall! YES!). While these things are good setups for the remaining four episodes of the series, it would have been nice to actually see something finally come to fruition after such a long slog these six episodes have been. Unfortunately, it appears this series is only here to tease you until whatever finale the writers have planned finally pops up out of nowhere merely to tell you some miniscule and overlooked detail is the key to everything (I really hate when they do that). Whatever, I'm still in this for the long haul despite being so fed up. Bring on Episode 7.