Before I tear into this movie for once again wasting
two hours plus of my life for the honor of seeing Johnny Depp
basically play himself for the twentieth time this decade, let it be
known that, contrary to this series' connection to massive dips in
quality, there are still a few gems to find if you're willing to
search hard enough. Javier Bardem's Salazar at least looks cool and
backs up his neat effects with something that tries to resemble a
sympathetic backstory (he was a pirate hunter who was cursed through
trickery). And, while I'm sure no one will give her credit for it
because that's been how her career has treated her, Kaya Scodelario
was at least a little interesting before becoming just another damsel
in distress who spouts exposition a la Keira Knightley. If anything,
it was nice to see the powers that be rectify the biggest mistake of
part 4 by pushing Jack (Depp) back into the background so he can do
all the fun stuff while the adults are busy talking. Its like seeing
the original trilogy but dumber.
Unfortunately, the movie never seems to have the urge
to escape its past. Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley are here to
cash a paycheck., Geoffrey Rush makes it three movies in a row with
very little to do outside of play a stereotypical pirate and the
script seems to crib from the earlier movies just to follow suite so
they don't have to try anything new. Is there another pirate curse?
Check. Is the only way to solve the problem by finding a needlessly
complicated path to a dumbly named mystical item? Check. Is there a
boat full of zombie pirates bent on revenge aimed specifically at
Jack Sparrow that will probably cause more problems for the searching
crew than if they'd just left the guy at a port and continued on?
Check and check. The movie that harkens back to the pretty okay
original trilogy is here, but its bogged down by needless franchise
tropes that ultimately kill the whole experience.
Reasons for watching it come down to your opinion of
Pirates 4. Did you feel the well was dry for that particular waste of
time and the whole thing was just sucking the last fumes of
creativity for the sake pushing the series just a tiny bit further?
This will probably give you some pleasant flashbacks to the simpler
times when the series still had a reason to exist. Have you said
aloud what this movie series truly is (a five-movie series based on a
ten minute theme park ride that has earned a cumulative $2 billion)?
Chances are its not worth your time or money. Choose wisely.
Joachim Rѳnning
and Espen Sandberg (Marco Polo) try to see if they can go from
terrible Netflix originals to passable movies with little success
with Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales, a loud,
sometimes obnoxious flashback episode that laments what the Pirates
franchise used to be (i.e. a moneymaker with somewhat talented
writing). To free Will Turner from his curse from part 3, his son
Henry (Brenton Thwaites) attempts to find the fabled Poseidon's
Trident with the help of Horologist Carina Smyth (Scodelario) because
she's hot and Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) because...he's drunk,
maybe? Along the way, the British Empire will act like tools and
zombie pirate Salazar (Bardem) will lead a crew of well-animated
other zombie pirates on the exact same quest because, apparently, no
one has anything better to do that week. 4 was worse (I think that's
a compliment).
My score: 4/10. Keira Knightley appears at the end,
says no dialogue and was paid for roughly forty seconds of screen
time. I want her job...
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