Sweet/Vicious Episode 5: All Eyez on Me. Busted!

So...that happened.

After 5 weeks of our heroines somehow escaping the authorities but managing to be smarter simply by remaining in the shadows, Ophelia finally ruined their cover by letting their target get the best of the duo. The news is out! There's an attacker on Darlington Campus and everyone (or at least anyone on social media) will know it soon enough and there's nothing Ophelia's hacking skills can do to stop the information from spreading. The noose, so slowly tightening through murder (Tyler's stepbrother), stupid luck (Harris' investigation) and general mayhem (there ARE a great many victims by this point), has finally been pulled taught. Jules won't be able to talk her way out of this and O can't stop the info. Will this be the end of the Darlington Duo?

Okay, let's be honest: despite being a pretty well written show with interesting characters, there's never really been any sense of foreboding in its pacing. Despite going after a star basketball player, a cyber security student and even an entire sorority of sociopathic bitches, there was never any sure sign that it could all come crashing down in a single moment. Well, Episode 5 finally did what the writers have seeming wanted to do this entire season: Jules and Ophelia are now in deeper shit than they've ever been and, even worse, they don't even realize the extent to how badly they're screwed.

Harris, still on his weird little journalistic mission to uncover a silly conspiracy, has finally seen through Ophelia's lies and not only realizes something is up, but also that Jules is likely involved. The victim, apparently directed to act like a spoiled sociopath, finally got an upper hand during a takedown and managed to expose the truth to the world. Nate, Jules' rapist and her best friend's perfect boyfriend, has become bolder in his assertions that nothing bad actually happened and seems primed to do it again (though, if it's another try on Jules, he probably won't be breathing much longer). All of these threads, tied together by both girls feeling like victims for the first time (Ophelia defended herself but came away aware of what almost happened to her and Jules is still broken on the inside), make the show feel like the compelling drama that the creators seemed to intend all along. Regardless of how the next few episodes leading up to the finale play out, its safe to say that either one of our heroes are going down or they're at least gaining some closure on the biggest elephant in the plot (nothing bad has technically happened to Nate yet). Bring on Episode 6!

The Magnificent Seven: Inoffensive To A Fault

While the case for remakes of classic films and their merits (or lack thereof) will probably rage on for many years to come, it is safe to say that Hollywood isn't really listening regardless. They seem to like the ease at which they can crank out these pointless remakes, adding current political undertones (The Ghostbusters) or just trying to mimic the original (Psycho) and really adding nothing to the mix in terms of actual quality. Now, with the Magnificent Seven being the next in a long line of remakes that no one actually asked for and one that (let's be honest) wasn't exactly the greatest Western ever made anyway, MGM has decided that we're all lemmings who will watch anything as long as its a “classic” remake. Go ahead and judge that opinion for yourself.

Sadly, The Magnificent Seven is a classic hallmark of not only a bad movie but a completely forgettable one with an eye solely on separating the viewer from their money. It's so inoffensive that it comes off as toothless, often feeling like it didn't have to do much to get that PG-13 (and, therefore, universally acceptable) rating. Its cast is made up of two bankable actors (Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt), two award circuit regulars (Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio) and it even adds the character of Billy Rocks (Byung-hun Lee) seemingly only to attract audiences for its probable future wide release in the Asian markets. Throw in Peter Sarsgaard as a stereotypical villain (everything he does is quite literally “to be evil”), the fact that every joke you will hear in the movie has already been uttered in its trailers and the fact that, even at two-and-half hours, the movie feels light on script and character development and you have something that feels like it was created for presentation purposes only rather than anything related to entertainment.

As for good, the movie does at least get fun during its two action scenes (despite the fact that you saw pretty much everything cool in the trailers). As predictable as they are, they're still loud and fun to watch in a cheesy 70s Western kind of way. And, while I doubt he'd be up for it in the future, Denzel Washington at least looks the part of an awesome cowboy. If he's ever sick of making good movies (Flight) or making bad movies that inexplicably award him (Training Day) he can always fall back on Westerns as a go-to genre. Cynical praise is still praise in my book.

As for watching it, did you see the original and think it needed a remake? If so, knock yourself out. You won't gain anything from it and you'll probably forget the whole plot before you walk out of the theater so, you know, money well spent. Did you like the original and feel that they perfected it back in 1973? 1.) You need to watch more Westerns for comparison and 2.) go watch Storks or something.

Antoine Fuqua (The Equalizer) continues to make remakes of classic properties no one asked for with The Magnificent Seven, a loud, occasionally fun, movie that will take up nearly and eighth of your day and promptly make you forget about it. When robber baron Bartholomew Bogue (Sarsgaard) begins encroaching on a small farming town for the purpose of strip mining it for gold so he can use it to continue being totally evil, citizen Emma (Haley Bennett) recruits bounty hunter Chisolm (Washington) to help them fight off the threat and take back their town. Basically, twenty minutes of action, ninety minutes of recruiting and pathetic character development and forty minutes of dramatic pauses while everyone talks about their forgettable problems that most will wish they would shut up about and shoot something already. Good luck, everybody!

My score: 3/10. After seeing her in five movies, I've come to the conclusion that Haley Bennet's best work is when she plays a corpse (Equalizer, The Girl On The Train)

Sweet/Vicious Episode 4: Tragic Kingdom. Still Treading Water; Somehow Still Going Somewhere

While I'm not sure if I'm more inclined to forgive this series for its easy-to-offend subject matter or if I just see great potential in a series that just doesn't give a damn about its viewers or their wide array of feelings, it says a lot when something like Sweet/Vicious can still manage to feel fresh despite its constant sameness of premise. Yes, I'm aware that the show takes a very fanatic, anti-progressive (they don't need anyone's damn help!) stance on its plots, but they also feature satisfying conclusions in small doses (rapists get hurt badly) and, for the most part, the characters that suck as human beings at least get exposed. While I'm aware that many in the SJW community have fancied the idea of calling out this show for being offensive or, at the very least, insensitive to whatever plight of the oppressed that pops into that groups EXTREMELY tiny area of expertise, I also respect the show for standing up straight and not pulling its punches when it feels like its subject matter needs to be discussed. In this week's episode, that last action works about half the time.

Look, I knew it would have to happen eventually. There was going to have to be that one episode that wasn't at least memorable and even the small group that calls themselves a fan base would even call it "kind of sucky". And, yes, Tragic Kingdom is it in this case. The target, a hazing sorority that fronts as an internet porn site run by its head sisters, feels lazy and overreaching and the actual villains this time weren't nearly as memorable as the previous episodes. If anything, the only thing I personally have against hazing is that it perpetuates the urge of "safe spaces" in colleges that students seem to think carry over to the real world. And, while I still love how the overall main arc with Harris slowly figuring out that the rapist attacks are all connected to a vigilante and Tyler slowly creeping up on where Jules and Ophelia buried his stepbrother, this particular episode lacked in any real feeling.

Fortunately, while it kind of sucked on the B-side of this story for once, it at least tried to make some of the filler interesting. Viewers finally get to meet Ophelia's wealthy socialite, queen bee mother and, while it doesn't really do much besides make the mom seem like more evil than originally thought, it was nice to finally see what Ophelia is dealing with beneath all the snark and angry goth persona she's been maintaining throughout the series. She's not rebelling for the sake of it, but because she seems to know her mother deserves the trouble. Hey, tiny bright spots are still bright spots.

Overall, I'm still hooked enough on this show to keep watching it and hope the series learns before its too late just how awesome Harris is so they can let him continue to piece together exactly what's wrong with Darlington. And, while I still feel Tyler is little more than a stupid romantic interest in a sea of shows that would be better off without him, he is starting to prove himself as a formidable, if clueless, adversary to Jules' and Ophelia's vigilante activity. Even if they can't feel it, viewers have to be feeling the forces of "good" closing in even if they know full well that the only people who will win in that scenario are the bad guys. Check it out.