While the case for remakes
of classic films and their merits (or lack thereof) will probably
rage on for many years to come, it is safe to say that Hollywood
isn't really listening regardless. They seem to like the ease at
which they can crank out these pointless remakes, adding current
political undertones (The Ghostbusters) or just trying to mimic the
original (Psycho) and really adding nothing to the mix in terms of
actual quality. Now, with the Magnificent Seven being the next in a
long line of remakes that no one actually asked for and one that
(let's be honest) wasn't exactly the greatest Western ever made
anyway, MGM has decided that we're all lemmings who will watch
anything as long as its a “classic” remake. Go ahead and judge
that opinion for yourself.
Sadly, The Magnificent Seven is a classic hallmark of not only a bad movie but a completely forgettable one with an eye solely on separating the viewer from their money. It's so inoffensive that it comes off as toothless, often feeling like it didn't have to do much to get that PG-13 (and, therefore, universally acceptable) rating. Its cast is made up of two bankable actors (Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt), two award circuit regulars (Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio) and it even adds the character of Billy Rocks (Byung-hun Lee) seemingly only to attract audiences for its probable future wide release in the Asian markets. Throw in Peter Sarsgaard as a stereotypical villain (everything he does is quite literally “to be evil”), the fact that every joke you will hear in the movie has already been uttered in its trailers and the fact that, even at two-and-half hours, the movie feels light on script and character development and you have something that feels like it was created for presentation purposes only rather than anything related to entertainment.
As for good, the movie does
at least get fun during its two action scenes (despite the fact that
you saw pretty much everything cool in the trailers). As predictable
as they are, they're still loud and fun to watch in a cheesy 70s
Western kind of way. And, while I doubt he'd be up for it in the
future, Denzel Washington at least looks the part of an awesome
cowboy. If he's ever sick of making good movies (Flight) or making
bad movies that inexplicably award him (Training Day) he can always
fall back on Westerns as a go-to genre. Cynical praise is still
praise in my book.
As for watching it, did you
see the original and think it needed a remake? If so, knock yourself
out. You won't gain anything from it and you'll probably forget the
whole plot before you walk out of the theater so, you know, money
well spent. Did you like the original and feel that they perfected it
back in 1973? 1.) You need to watch more Westerns for comparison and
2.) go watch Storks or something.
Antoine Fuqua (The
Equalizer) continues to make remakes of classic properties no one
asked for with The Magnificent Seven, a loud, occasionally fun, movie
that will take up nearly and eighth of your day and promptly make you
forget about it. When robber baron Bartholomew Bogue (Sarsgaard)
begins encroaching on a small farming town for the purpose of strip
mining it for gold so he can use it to continue being totally evil,
citizen Emma (Haley Bennett) recruits bounty hunter Chisolm
(Washington) to help them fight off the threat and take back their
town. Basically, twenty minutes of action, ninety minutes of
recruiting and pathetic character development and forty minutes of
dramatic pauses while everyone talks about their forgettable problems
that most will wish they would shut up about and shoot something
already. Good luck, everybody!
My score: 3/10. After
seeing her in five movies, I've come to the conclusion that Haley
Bennet's best work is when she plays a corpse (Equalizer, The Girl On
The Train)
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