There are a lot of things I feel when people claim they are offended
by a movie. Due to the fact that I'm incapable of such an emotion (I
blame G-Force), I tend to mock said people because, in my mind, they
are wasting what little time they have on this Earth not so much
being offended by something that targets them particularly, but
because they are offended AT THE BEHEST of an entirely different
demographic of people. So, to those people, I say this from the
bottom of my heart: shut up! Don't hate Great Wall for casting Matt
Damon (a box office draw) in a Chinese movie (not a box office draw).
If you have to hate it for something, hate it for being a generic
cash grab with little depth and an even less understandable story.
Sadly, Great Wall, despite its obvious ploying for a Chinese
audience (98% of the cast are established Chinese stars), is a pretty
terrible movie. The story is confusing, the acting is hammy at best,
the pacing is glacial and most side characters tend to go off on
tangents that don't really get resolved in any satisfactory manner.
Throw in the fact that some of the most memorable characters' best
aspect get completely lost in translation due to poor introductions
and you have a movie designed solely to pander to the Chinese under
the guise of normalized relations instead of any kind of attempt at
entertainment.
Fortunately, if you can bear with the heavy slog of exposition
dialog via subtitles, there are a few awesome things to behold. Like
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the White Witch and pretty much every
Chinese epic ever made, the battle scenes are colorful and exciting
and never skimp on a chance to see some interesting battle
choreography. And, while she kind of gets written into a corner as a
forgettable soldier with too much emphasis on duty, Tian Jing is kind
of fun to watch and actually displays more depth than this movie
would ever require. Hey, it made me interested in one foreign
actress's career for a little while. I call that a win.
Reasons for watching it come down to you preference or lack thereof
for foreign movies. Do you overlook subtitles and just enjoy the
experience? You'll probably find a few things here to have fun with
before the inevitable White Man Meddling that comes into play in the
second act kind of drags the whole thing through the mud. Do you hate
all foreign movies because they require you to read? You won't be
missing anything really unique and, in all honesty, Damon and his
English speaking cohorts are so bland they might as well have been
named Bland English Speakers in the credits. It just comes down to
how you want to spend about two hours of your life this time.
Yimou Zhang (House of Flying Daggers) goes from making amazing
movies about Chinese legend to a sort of okay movie about Chinese
legend with The Great Wall, a hammy-at-times, mostly overbearing
attempt to dumb a foreign culture down enough for American
consumption. After killing a mysterious creature on their way to
China to trade for black powder, Mercenaries William (Damon) and
Tovar (Pedro Pascal) are drafted into a secret Chinese order
dedicated to guarding the Great Wall against supernatural attacks
(via lizard...things) that occur regularly every sixty years. Along
the way, William will learn about honor by watching a bunch of
Chinese soldier die, Tovar will randomly spout something that's
hilarious about sixty percent of the time and the whole movie will
feel more like D-Wars (minus that awesome second act) than anything
resembling an epic adventure. Tread here at your own risk.
My score: 4/10. Seriously, has anyone ever watched D-Wars? It's one
of the worst movies ever made and, near the eighty minute mark or so,
becomes freaking awesome! They've got dragons fighting helicopters,
giant rhino things fighting tanks, stone soldiers fighting dudes
with machine guns and a Korean snake dragon hugging a building! Then they
all wind up on Mars or something and the thing dips back into
its original, terrible quality. Why couldn't this movie do that?
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