A Wrinkle in Time: Progressive Blackmail

There's a term used to describe the act of exploiting people and their emotional state for monetary gain known as Emotional Blackmail. In movies, this term refers to the act of using guilt on an audience to cover up a movie's myriad flaws by focusing instead on some offhand social climate issue like sexism (Ghostbusters), racisim (Black Panther) or news-related trauma (Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close) to cover up the fact that the movie not only has very little to say but also isn't very good and, if you happen to point that out, you will likely be labeled as sexist, racist or one of the many other “ists” because you have the nerve to call a bad movie bad. The good news: it seems Ava DuVernay's well-intentioned Wrinkle In Time may be the first movie completely immune to this treatment. We're finally becoming intelligent human beings again!

In case you haven't caught my meaning, A Wrinkle In Time is nothing short of a disaster in filmmaking. The plot is thin even for a ninety minute movie, the acting is stiff and boring, the direction is exactly what you would expect of DuVernay (limited direction with some hints of decent filmmaking ability) and the whole thing resides under an umbrella that reeks of progressive proselytizing. It's not so much that you SHOULD be liking the movie so much as you should feel bad for disliking it. Thanks, Hollywood, my lack of guilt was starting to give me confidence in life.

As for good...you could probably have a nice nap in the big, quiet theater? In all honesty, I fought sleep less than forty minutes into this movie and, outside of a gonzo cameo by Zach Galifianakus, nothing really came off as memorable so much as heavy-handed. Outside of leaving the theater wanting to punch ANYONE in the face for calling someone by two first names (talking to you, Charles Wallace!), this might be a movie best left to the annals of film history as a well-intentioned effort that falls flat because the talent involved was more interested in things like symbolism and meaning rather than entertaining the people whose money they hope to take for it. So, yeah, bring a nice pillow.

As for watching it, Thoroughbreds is out and, while its a very acquired taste, its far and away better than this fluffy tripe. Afraid your fellow Oprah fans will never let you live it down if you don't waste your time and money suffering through this garbage? Time to find new friends! Have fun with that choice!

Ava DuVernay (Selma) proves once again she just doesn't have the talent to make a fun movie without the innate obsession of making it “important” with A Wrinkle In Time, a heavy-handed, heavily-processed guilt trip about how we should respect everyone regardless of color or creed that should have been about a bunch of kids fighting shadow aliens with the power of happy thoughts (okay, the book is kind of weird too). Several years after the disappearance of their father, siblings Meg (Storm Reid) and Charles Wallace (Deric McCabe) recruit boy-next-door Calvin (Levi Miller) to go on what can best be described as an LSD-fueled trip through a kaleidoscope with the help of three oddly-named women/goddesses (Oprah, Reese Witherspoon, Mindy Kaling) to save their father (Chris Pine) form the IT, a darkness-feeding evil entity that floats through space and spreads unhappy thoughts. Alcohol required.

My score: 2/10. Apparently, since Wrinkle has officially tanked and cost Disney upwards of $100 million, DC has decided to get in on this action by offering DuVernay the director duties for Old Gods. Is DuVernay the new Hollywood tax write-off or something? 

Thoroughbreds: When Beautiful People Get Ugly

There's a lot that can go wrong when you try to portray nihilism (the belief, in feeling or otherwise, in nothing) on film. In some cases, it transforms into a simple case of a sociopath trying to manipulate those with too much empathy (TV's Hannibal). In others, its played for a few forced laughs for the sake of a bad stoner comedy (The Big Lebowski). Or, in the case of Corey Finley's debut thriller Thoroughbreds, it plays with the trope of a buddy comedy before asking the ultimate uncomfortable question: what happens when a nihilist meets her soul mate in the form of a ticking time bomb?

Let me explain something to everyone who might have seen the trailer and developed some premature ideas about the plot: this movie isn't for everyone. The humor is hit or miss, Anton Yelchin (in his final role) is kind of pointless and has little of substance to do here, the actual motives behind what Amanda (Olivia Cooke) and Lily (Anya Taylor-Joy) are trying to do border more on preservation of a beneficial status quo than anything resembling nobility and, in all honesty, if you're here to see two teenage girls commit a horrendous and violent act, know that anything with actual violence happens off-screen. This is an indie thriller at heart, preferring to let the audience use their imaginations when it comes to actual heinous acts being committed.

Still with me? Good. The movie, despite being “different” in every sense of the word, is also freaking awesome if you have the stomach for what it implies. Cooke is both terrifying and disarming as a teenage girl with sociopathic tendencies and weird proclivities about what she might have done to a horse. Taylor-Joy is unsettling as a spoiled princess whose world of privilege and freedom is crumbling under the weight of her pompous stepfather (Paul Sparks) whose only real sin is the ability to call her on her own selfishness. Throw in some great cinematography and a complimentary score that coats the luxurious setting in a small film of uncomfortable sleaze and you have a dark comedy/thriller with a twist of the ages. It wants you to look away despite not having much to actually show you.

As for watching it, have any long distance travel plans this weekend? Being decidedly of the indie category and suffering both from a.) a first-time director and b.) being the last film of a dead (and only vaguely recognized) actor hurts this movie in the long run and, also due to the behemoth that is Disney, you're more likely to find twelve showings of A Wrinkle in Time (which is awful by the way) before you find this one on a single screen. Feeling dedicated regardless because you don't want to sit through a terrible movie that will only be remembered for its obnoxiously progressive message? Seek this one out if you dare! It's totally worth it.

Corey Finley shows off his directorial debut with Thoroughbreds, a vaguely Hitchcockian take on Heathers where murder is in the air and its only a matter of time before all the pent up rage comes to a bloody head. Recently released from psychiatric treatment following a horse murder (seriously), nihilist Amanda (Cooke) reconnects with her former best friend Lily (Taylor-Joy) and, realizing that Lily is slowing unraveling while under the thumb of her overly demanding stepfather, offers to help kill him. Caught in the web is Tim (Yelchin), a drug peddler and wannabe kingpin whose ambition far outweighs his talents and is inadvertently blackmailed into the plot out of fear of a potential third strike. When the plan becomes unraveled, Lily is forced into desperate measures to ensure her own continued lifestyle. Basically, a spoiled, rich girl doesn't get what she wants and really bad things happen. I promise you'll never hear a rowing machine the same way again.

My score: 7/10. Honestly, why did Disney think it would be a good idea to take A Wrinkle in Time, an at-best forgettable book, and turn it into a movie that no fan would have asked for. And why did they put Ava DuVernay, a terrible director balanced by a somewhat decent filmmaker, in the director's chair? Isn't that a mixture destined for failure?

Annihilation: Cool Premise; Awful Execution

The thing about high-minded science fiction, other than the fact that it tends to lose its way through too much science and not enough fiction, is that most movies that qualify for that particular subgenre tend to feel like the script was written long before the ending was even considered. When this happens, such movies tend to feel like well-acted (Contact), well-scripted (The Arrival) set ups for endings that, because of the overly high expectations placed upon them by their unique plots, never ever live up to what audiences will expect from the movie. Oh, hey, Annihilation! Ready to join the club?

Let it be known that, despite what I'm about to say about this particular movie, it never quite qualifies as awful even after it hits the two hour mark, runs into the more-bit-off-than-chewable conundrum or when it finally tries to say anything of meaning but merely falls flat due to all the dangling threads it leaves behind. The acting ranges from good to great, the premise (wonky alien thing engulfing large amounts of land and...turning them) is cool and well scripted and it even tries to balance its dramatic elements with a visually stunning setting and booming score. If this hadn't been a sci-fi movie that promised answers to its many bonkers scenarios, this would have been a fun, if high-minded, sci-fi attempt in the vein of Bladerunner or Ghost in the Shell.

Unfortunately, despite first act efforts that seem to be to the contrary, Annihilation ultimately becomes just another bland, too-smart-for-its-own-good sci-fi movie. The characters start charming but eventually turn into every science officer in every bad sci-fi movie ever (they try to feed you science instead of fun-sounding nonsense), the actual plot is heavy-handed and lacks basic needs for this kind of movie (it isn't fun to watch because it spends too much time trying to educate) and that previously mentioned sound design tends to get thrown out in the third act for what can best be described as “let's deafen the audience so they don't notice we have nothing worthwhile to say”. There are flutters of The Martian attempted here (serious talk tempered by some levity), but it's shallow and never tries to deviate from its source material enough to make anyone care.

As for watching it, Black Panther is still in its wonky coronation phase so, if you haven't seen it yet, this is probably your chance before the regret of being swallowed up by all the misplaced hype so, you know, go see that one instead. Otherwise, Every Day is out if you want to watch a pretty fantastic young actress (Angourie Rice) act her age for once (that's not actually a good thing come to think about it) or you could, like me, just watch the entire Mythica movie series on Amazon (don't do that either). So... Black Panther again?

Alex Garland (Ex Machina) follows up a pretty intelligent, entertaining sci-fi movie with a pretty intelligent sci-fi movie that doesn't quite know how to entertain with Annihilation, a well-acted, abysmally-paced, well-shot piece of cinematic sci-fi that exists solely to be swallowed up by the bigger, better-advertised movie currently in the next theater. When her long-missing husband (Oscar Isaac) suddenly appears on her doorstep with life-threatening, scientifically impossible symptoms, Biologist Lena (Natalie Portman) joins a military expedition into Area X, a region of Florida hit by a meteor exhibiting odd biological behavior, in a desperate attempt to save his life. Wildlife will look both horrifying and awesome, the characters won't be around long enough for you to care about them, and you'll likely leave the theater with that weird, unsatisfied taste in your mouth that, if you're really unlucky, will compel you try to read the book series which will loop back around to making the author think people actually care about his books which will make him want to make more movies in an endless idiot loop for the rest of record-able history. Or you could just put a stop to it now and AVOID IT.

My score: 4/10. On second thought, watching the Mythica fantasy series (a five movie series funded by Kickstarter) wasn't so bad. It's basically a bunch of SyFy channel quality movies with meh acting and occasionally funny dialogue. Also, it has Kevin Sorbo in, like, four of them. I think that last one is a win...