Bumblebee: An Actual Transformers “Film”

You've probably heard my constant rants about Michael Bay and his seeming inability to make anything resembling a movie when it comes to Transformers. There's the classic criticism (they're just a bunch of explosion reels), the more in-depth (the characters are more archetypes than actual characters) and, of course, the usual anti-Bay rants (he obviously hates making the movies and, therefore, tortures us with this garbage). Unfortunately, seemingly because of some weird obsession with keeping Bay happy, Paramount has, for over a decade, pandered to this no-talent hack and given us not one, but five of the worst movies ever burnt onto celluloid. Now, with Bay seemingly finally ready to relinquish his stranglehold on this franchise and let someone, anyone, give it a try, we are presented with Bumblebee, a film the franchise doesn't deserve but sorely needs.

Are you ready to be shocked, readers? I, a person who would rather jab wire hangers into his eyes than watch another Transformers movie (for the sake of a less painful experience), LOVED (you read that right) Bumblebee. The action was kinetic and interesting, the direction was heartfelt, Hailee Steinfeld played a female character who wasn't just brainless eye candy, the humor was actually funny rather than juvenile and, get this, when robots fight, you can actually TELL THEM APART. That's right! They no longer look like some gonzo nature show about the mating rituals of tin foil. Gone are the Red Bull-infused action shots, the seemingly testosterone-induced bouts of misplaced masculinity and the idiotic spinning camera always looking up at everything. Instead, we get a heartfelt love letter to what Transformers could be if the filmmakers can just back up a little and tell an actual story.

Unfortunately, while the movie finally gives us wonderful human characters with actual, you know, character arcs, the movie does stutter on occasion when it comes to some of the less developed amongst their ranks. Jorge Lendenborg's Memo was a a fun but underutilized character who seemed to be just above a complete throwaway near the end and, while I did like Charlie's (Steinfeld) family, they ultimately felt more like placeholders meant to bring her back to the real world when the adventure was finally over. Weirdly enough, I began looking forward to the giant robot fights by the end. Who knew?

As for watching it, do you rigorously defend the first five movies in this franchise as some kind of misunderstood genius? Watch this movie and feel really dumb about that opinion. Did you force your way through those previous movies surgically digging for any kind of diamond in the garbage that was that collective series' apparent forte? Consider this one your long-awaited award for all your suffering. Its a Transformers movie with a Win-win scenario! My brain hurts now.

Trevor Knight (Kubo and the Two Strings) takes his animation street cred and uses it to make the first Transformers film that could actually be called a film with Bumblebee, a heartfelt, charming, almost E.T.-like movie about giant robots and their predilections toward world saving/domination occasionally interrupted with giant, transforming robot fights. When mechanically gifted Charlie (Steinfeld) finds a totaled VW Beetle in a junkyard, she repairs it and discovers Bumblebee, an alien rebel fighter sent to Earth to establish a forward base for the Autobot resistance against the Decepticons. Other angry robots show up to wreck things, threads of friendship are woven and John Freaking Cena not only plays a real, honorable character but has the strongest character arc in the movie. Am I...becoming a Transformers fan?

My score: 9/10. Seriously, why hasn't the whole argument about trusting the Decepticons not come up until six movies in? They're called DECEPTICONS.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse: The Costume Fits Eventually

The thing I've noticed most about Sony Pictures, other than their inability to make anything (Ghostbusters) worth (Annie) watching beyond some form of fanboy hate-watching, is that they never quite seemed to understand the full extent of what they purchased from Marvel when they originally gained the rights to Spider-Man back in the early 2000s. Sure, they obviously gained the titular character, the ability to change his powers as they saw fit (the webbing thing) and his most iconic villains (Doctor Octopus, Rhino, Green Goblin), but they never seemed to understand just how much the Spider-Man comic book universe had expanded over its five decade-plus run. With Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse, they seem to have finally acknowledged how far the series can truly go and, shockingly, have made something worthwhile of the fandom they hope to entice.

On the scale of Spider-Man movies currently in existence, from the weirdo Japanese version where he slapped people (a LOT) to the multiple-trailers-in-a-movie-that-forgot-it-was-supposed-to-be-a-movie Amazing Spider-Man 2, Spiderverse ranks just below its Tobey MacGuire counterparts in terms of quality. It's a great introduction of non-comic fans to the newest Spider-Man, Miles Morales, finally introduces Spider-Gwen as more than just a Peter Parker potential love interest and manages to not only make these characters endearing but somehow make their repetitive origin stories feel original per character (they all pretty much became heroes the same way). Throw in the best soundtrack for a teen-oriented superhero movie since...ever and compliment it with a worthwhile story undoes all that nonsense from Amazing Spider-Man about being “chosen” and you even have a movie that tries to have fun with its own premise without those stupid halfhearted sequel promises common place among these kinds of movies. See, Sony? You CAN make a good Spider-Man movie without advertising your stupid franchising ambitions.

Unfortunately, while all of the hero characters are fun and at least well-drawn, the movie ultimately suffers from the seesaw problem of too many characters misbalanced by the movie not being necessarily long enough to accommodate all of them. As much fun as it was to watch Peter B. Parker (Jake Johnson), Gwen Stacey (Hailee Steinfeld) and Miles Morales (Shameik Moore) rely on their chemistry to make the plot work so well, the later introductions of Spider-Ham (John Mulaney), Peni Parker (Kimiko Glenn) and Spider-Man Noir (Nicolas Freaking Cage) felt rushed and forced the chaotic but fun plot into the realm of chaotic and confusing. You had me hooked, Sony! You didn't have to overthink it halfway through!

As for watching it, are you a Spider-Man fan? If so, you've probably already seen this and read most of the comics currently running on sale on Comixology and you should probably consider going outside for a little while. Have you never really been that interested in comic book heroes to begin with? Good luck with the late December offerings of the Oscar contenders no one really wants to see. Have fun with that choice.

Bob Perischetti and Rodney Rothman debut and help Peter Ramsey (Rise of the Guardians) finally make a good movie with Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, a nearly encyclopedic review of everything Spider-Man that Sony has been sitting on while cranking out their Spider-Man-colored garbage on us for two decades. You know the story: Miles Morales (and everyone name Peter Parker, apparently) gets bitten by a radioactive spider and blah,blah,blah with great power comes great responsibility blah, blah, blah learns the importance of being a hero and blah,blah, blah meets a bunch of versions of himself from alternate universes and proceeds to give bad guys the worst day of their lives via Spider-Man group punches. That last part was a new one (and pretty awesome).

My score: 8/10. Dear Sony, please, considering that you kind of just fixed the character, don't lose your collective minds and try to pull a Superior Spider-Man arc on us. The world didn't deserve THAT trainwreck when Marvel pulled it on us.

Ralph Breaks The Internet: All the Fun of a Therapy Session

There's something to say about animated movies and their sequels. Barring VERY few exceptions (Finding Dory, Toy Story 3, Shrek 2), they've been underwhelming garbage (Shrek 3), forgettable toy commercials (Minions) and, even in the face of Pixar, pretentious cashgrabs (Cars 2). Now, with Disney ONCE AGAIN not realizing that leaving a good thing alone might be for the best, we have Ralph Breaks The Internet, which begs the eternal question no one ever seriously asks: How much therapy does Ralph really need?

Please, readers, heed my warning: if you have fond memories of Wreck-It Ralph, be they the strangely humorous take on videogames or the more serious view of a midlife crisis, this is not a movie you should ever see or even have a need to think about. Outside of a few well-placed gags (that were, incidentally, already shown in the trailers) and a few one-off references to the original, nothing here comes off as memorable or even worthwhile. Bland new characters, broken old characters, internet humor that never comes off as anything more than misplaced or poorly timed and an overarching narrative about how Ralph (John C. Reilly) still really, really needs some kind of videogame therapist (the character has some serious personality problems). Throw in a completely wasted cameo by Felix (Jack McBrayer) and Calhoun (Jane Lynch) and you even take out two of the more endearing aspects of the original movie. What happened, Disney?

Fortunately, while the casting is mostly for stunt purposes, it does, on occasion, shine through the muck that is its own screenplay. Casting the original voice actresses for their princess parts was both brilliant (they can still pull these characters off decades later) and subversive (it gives the actresses a chance to tear into their own iconic characters and their stupid tropes). And, while Vanellope (Sarah Silverman) was little more than a humorous placeholder in the original (she represented Ralph's desire for acceptance and his willingness to gain it), the internet version at least carries the weight of an interesting character going through her own existential crisis for once. See? Ralph isn't the only one feeling the ravages of time (I think that's a good thing).

As for watching it, don't. Go see the original, feel yourself tear up a little near the end when he comes to that realization about what's important to him and just pretend that's where it ended. Don't bother with this garbage, don't lose your respect for the hurdles the character or those he considered his friends went through (Fix-It Felix's original subplot might be one of the best in any animated movie ever) and just pretend Disney thought this whole corny idea up AFTER a script had been made instead of it being forced on whatever potentially talented screenwriters ended up with the unenviable task of making a sequel to a movie that never asked for it.

Rich Moore and Phil Johnson try to capitalize on their original success with Wreck-It Ralph by ruining the character as a whole with Ralph Breaks The Internet, a mostly humorless, shallow effort that takes a movie about a man accepting the needs of others over his own pursuit of happiness and just re-breaks the character and exacerbates his insecurities. When Sugar Rush is accidentally broken by an arcade patron, Ralph (Reilly) and Vanellope (Silverman) must venture into the megalopolis that is the internet to find a replacement part to save her game. Along the way, characters as shallow as Buzzfeed appear for the sake of “cool” effect, Vanellope goes through her own existential crisis in the form of an always-online racing game and Ralph just breaks under the pressure of his own selfishness (again). I've seen bad sequels that make me only want to ever remember the original. I've never seen one that makes me dislike the original for unforeseeable reasons.

My score: 3/10. Seriously, Disney, get Ralph a therapist! This AA stuff obviously isn't working and he's an emotional minefield of misplaced attachment and egotism.