Riverdale: Takes a familiar formula; does the same thing...

While I would be surprised if I'm alone, I'm one of the few people I know who's actually read a large number of Archie Comics. And, keep in mind this is coming from someone who made the conscious decision to read this tripe (a lot!), let me be the first to say that the comics are complete bullshit. Archie is a selfish idiot, Veronica is a bitchy socialite with a competitive streak, Betty is an airhead who seems to be slumming it in her infatuation with Archie and the whole town of Riverdale was pretty much just an overly perfected version of classic Americana with little beneath the surface. Now, apparently realizing that their signature creation really is THAT awful, the creators have decided to turn the whole damned thing into a CW series and...they really didn't add much to the mix. Talk about not hearing the dogs barking in your head.
Sadly, from a strictly watchable standpoint, Riverdale excels in its own averageness. Archie is now an oversexed teenager with a serious Edward Cullen complex (I'm curious if he would sparkle if the sun would ever come out). Kevin is little more than you basic stereotype of a gay best friend to Betty, the series rather cheery outlook on life as been replaced by a murder mystery in the heart of eternal fog country, Jughead has become an emo and, apparently to be just a little late on the timely train, Veronica's dad is now Bernie Madoff. Good job swinging for the fences and still missing, CW!
Fortunately, if you can look past the fact that the writers basically took Vampire Diaries (dark and broody), Pretty Little Liars (somewhat interesting characters with uninteresting plots) and Teen Wolf (beautiful, oversexed people in various states of undress), you might find something worth the forty plus minute slog the pilot quickly becomes. Despite being the second least likeable character from the comics (behind Archie), Veronica (Camila Mendes) is sort of endearing as a former socialite-queen-bitch-turned-wannabe-good-person. I know this is only the pilot and they have twenty-plus episodes to totally screw her up and turn the whole damned thing into another will-they-won't-they love triangle but, come on, when was the last time you felt like rooting for the Veronica in this particular tricycle? And, while the character quickly devolved into Joey from Season 1 of Dawson's Creek (openly pining for the guy too stupid to notice the burning house in front of him), Betty (Lila Reinhart) actually kind of fits the role well enough to make her memorable and, dare I say it, endearing. Hell, if the show could have just been about Betty and Veronica and just killed off Archie (or sent him away to boarding school for a semester, I don't care!), it almost feels like this show would have improved twofold based solely on the winning combo of catty (Veronica) and stoic (Betty).
As for watching it, is there literally anything else on? Yeah, good luck with that decision. I guess if you're really hard up you can endlessly repeat the out-of-nowhere Veronica-Betty cheerleader audition makeout on CW.com or laugh at some of the stale jokes that fall flat because of Jughead's (Cole Sprouse) terribly bland delivery, but, let's be honest, nothing in this particular episode feels even remotely unique. Every character is playing a worse version of terrible characters you've seen in slightly better shows and, even with the added incentive of a series that is trying to "modernize" a very outdated story, there just isn't anything here that makes it stick out. Maybe Jughead will get more screen time to actually DO SOMETHING in Episode 2...

Virginia: Less Interesting Than The Actual State

While I can appreciate game companies and their strange (and often ridiculous) methods, sometimes their wonky ideas just don't lead anywhere particularly special because they don't actually seem to GET what makes a person actually play a videogame. For those uninitiated to the whole process: we play for a.) mindless entertainment (Gears of War), b.) puzzles that we feel smart trying to solve and better about when we finally do solve (Portal) or c.) we seek an in-depth story that we can not only immerse ourselves in, but also feel like we are a pivotal part of the living narrative (literally ANY RPG ever made). With the adventure/mystery Virginia...I'm not exactly sure where the hell developer Variable State was going with it.

Okay, nice things first: the game has an amazing soundtrack and, despite having no discernable dialog, works on a narrative standpoint that wouldn't have if it somehow hadn't been able to make you care about the poorly pixelated characters. And, while I never really cared about the story, the fact that I genuinely cared about the central mystery says wonders about either how well the game is made or how low my actual standards for a videogame might actually be. There's a win in there somewhere.

Unfortunately, the game ultimately fails because, unlike other narrative-driven games (Walking Dead, Life Is Strange, Game of Thrones, ANY RPG!), the gameplay itself is boring as hell. There's no puzzle to solve or even real mystery to uncover (despite the central plot trying to be interesting). Its just your perspective with a little damn dot that occasionally grows into a circle to tell you where to go. Point A to Point B and so on without any rhyme or reason only punctuated by the occasionally jarring jump to the next section of the game. Throw in the obnoxious probability of FUCKING COLLECTIBLES and you have a game that, once finished, you just can't bring yourself to ever play again because of the increasingly boring slog that was that three hours of your life.

Now, with that out of the way, why was this game so beloved amongst the critical circuits? Most critics seemed to praise the fact that the main characters were two black women, but isn't that like trying to give the new Ghostbusters a free pass for its terrible script strictly because it had women leads? Or nominating Ava DuVernay for an Oscar simply because she's a black woman (anyone in Hollywood could have directed Selma)? Yet, beyond reason, most gaming outlets shower this game with praise for its progressive thinking instead of its actual gameplay innovation when, in the end, it's little more than an obnoxiously long walking simulator with limited replay value and one of the most unsatisfying endings I've seen in gaming in many years. The annual gaming award circuits have some explaining to do...

Passengers: Heroes Can Suck Too

While it might seem strange to hear this, Rogue One has managed to point out one of the most serious flaws in our movies: the heroes are just too freaking perfect. I don't mean they are annoying simply because they are good guys or that the whole “truth and justice” thing has become any less compelling. Its just that, when a hero emerges in a movie, whether he possesses superpowers or just a really dry wit, they tend to be written as perfect specimens of humanity rather than what they should be: selfish, egotistical people who, when called upon, set aside their most human aspects for the greater good. I might root for Captain America to catch the bad guy but I'd still like to believe he has some kind of personal flaw that makes him, you know, HUMAN. Now, with the failure of Morten Tyldum's Passengers to make any kind of dent in the box office, it...appears people disagree with this opinion. Go figure.

Yes, Passengers, despite having one of the easiest-to-dislike protagonists in recent memory, is a passable sci-fi movie that at least seems to understand its own tropes. Chris Pratt is still funny and pulls off a strangely human performance as engineer Jim, Jennifer Lawrence is just likable enough that the weird second act can almost be forgiven, Michael Sheen is the second best robot of 2016 without having to do anything outside of mix drinks and, even though you don't see enough of it, the ship and space action is still enough fun to justify its overly long run time. On top of all this, it finally gives us something in a sci-fi movie that we actually need: a protagonist that you can't in good conscience root for because of his most selfish act. Say what you will about Pratt or his charming onscreen presence. No amount of humor will ever overshadow the fact that Jim is a bad person and, unlike pretty much every other movie I've seen this year, it is a welcome change from the usual batch of All-American (Captain America), socially conscious (Now You See Me 2), overly rote-with-humanity (Hacksaw Ridge) characters that seem to permeate everything in movies over the last few years. He makes you like him by hating yourself.

As for bad, why exactly is Laurence Fishburne in this movie? The guy is a better actor than what this movie requires and to have someone of his caliber here merely to spout sci-fi lingo and try to play temporary peacemaker between the two leads almost feels trite in its very concept. This, mixed with the wonky chemistry (which is also mixed with the foreknowledge of how they came together), make this otherwise passable sci-fi movie feel like some kind of back-handed soap opera rather than anything meant to entertain. You don't tie good actors into a bad game of will-they-won't-they just to extend the run time, people!

As for watching it, are you a fan of Chris Pratt, Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Sheen or anything space travel related? Go for it and feel bad about being a human who would totally do the same thing in the same position. Have you managed to avoid the undeserving hype surrounding the limited talents of Lawrence but think Pratt's pretty awesome in most of his stuff? You'll get plenty of him to make up for the unfortunate Lawrence presence but probably feel the awkwardness when the big reveal (that you've known for an hour) is finally exposed to all. Pick your poison.

Morten Tyldum (The Imitation Game) tries to make his Oscar-level directing fit the sci-fi genre with passable results with Passengers, a heavy on the charm, light on the brain, sci-fi romance with early actions that are almost guaranteed to take you completely out of a sympathetic state. Awakened 30 years into a 120 year spaceflight, Jim (Pratt) must contend with the fact that he will die from old age long before anyone else awakens on his space ark. Contemplating suicide, he is given a new lease on life when he finds the pod of Aurora (Lawrence) and, bear with me here, sabotages her stasis pod and pretty much CONDEMNS HER TO THE SAME FATE. Romance ensues. Yeah, I can totally see that working out for the best.

My score: 6/10. Is it weird that I completely understand Jim's actions even though they took me completely out of the movie less that thirty minutes in?

Sweet/Vicious Episode 6: Fearless. Fearful Copout.

While I can appreciate Sweet/Vicious for its complete lack of interest in your emotional investment or feelings about how it should play out, there are times when the show blatantly blows its hand for the sake of continuity. Regardless of where Ophelia or Jules wind up each week, it was always fun either watching them loosen the noose around their necks or just plot out the next completely bonkers revenge plot. And, with the events of Episode 5 finally rearing their ugly heads (the whole campus knows there's a vigilante on the loose), it finally appeared that the duo had been cornered in a way to force the show to finally invest in a permanent solution to the series weakest problem: just how are these girls supposed to walk away from this scot free?

For the most part, Fearless was a decent episode with enough remnants of the Episode 5's unique twists that it almost felt like Harris would finally put the pieces together or Nate would finally figure out exactly what Jules' problem with him was (he was too drunk to realize what actually happened) or, maybe, the whole world would finally figure out that the vigilante was actually targeting the right people. And, while none of these things came to fruition, it was still fun to watch Ophelia finally react intelligently to the threat of arrest by figuring out how to make an effective scapegoat.

Unfortunately, even after two episodes of the promised prospect of Harris finally figuring it all out and either a.) turning our heroes in or b.) joining them, it turned out the show just wasn't willing to pull that particular trigger. The Harris arc has officially been pulled back to another safe distance and the duo is free to either stop altogether (unlikely) or continue with a vengeance (more likely considering Nate's actions at the end).

On the plus side, we are finally able to glimpse why Darlington College seems to be such a safe haven for rapists (the president is involved) and, even when campus cop Barton seems to be grasping at minimal fumes, he still seems to be the best bet for figuring everything out (he finally found the damn wall! YES!). While these things are good setups for the remaining four episodes of the series, it would have been nice to actually see something finally come to fruition after such a long slog these six episodes have been. Unfortunately, it appears this series is only here to tease you until whatever finale the writers have planned finally pops up out of nowhere merely to tell you some miniscule and overlooked detail is the key to everything (I really hate when they do that). Whatever, I'm still in this for the long haul despite being so fed up. Bring on Episode 7.

Sweet/Vicious Episode 5: All Eyez on Me. Busted!

So...that happened.

After 5 weeks of our heroines somehow escaping the authorities but managing to be smarter simply by remaining in the shadows, Ophelia finally ruined their cover by letting their target get the best of the duo. The news is out! There's an attacker on Darlington Campus and everyone (or at least anyone on social media) will know it soon enough and there's nothing Ophelia's hacking skills can do to stop the information from spreading. The noose, so slowly tightening through murder (Tyler's stepbrother), stupid luck (Harris' investigation) and general mayhem (there ARE a great many victims by this point), has finally been pulled taught. Jules won't be able to talk her way out of this and O can't stop the info. Will this be the end of the Darlington Duo?

Okay, let's be honest: despite being a pretty well written show with interesting characters, there's never really been any sense of foreboding in its pacing. Despite going after a star basketball player, a cyber security student and even an entire sorority of sociopathic bitches, there was never any sure sign that it could all come crashing down in a single moment. Well, Episode 5 finally did what the writers have seeming wanted to do this entire season: Jules and Ophelia are now in deeper shit than they've ever been and, even worse, they don't even realize the extent to how badly they're screwed.

Harris, still on his weird little journalistic mission to uncover a silly conspiracy, has finally seen through Ophelia's lies and not only realizes something is up, but also that Jules is likely involved. The victim, apparently directed to act like a spoiled sociopath, finally got an upper hand during a takedown and managed to expose the truth to the world. Nate, Jules' rapist and her best friend's perfect boyfriend, has become bolder in his assertions that nothing bad actually happened and seems primed to do it again (though, if it's another try on Jules, he probably won't be breathing much longer). All of these threads, tied together by both girls feeling like victims for the first time (Ophelia defended herself but came away aware of what almost happened to her and Jules is still broken on the inside), make the show feel like the compelling drama that the creators seemed to intend all along. Regardless of how the next few episodes leading up to the finale play out, its safe to say that either one of our heroes are going down or they're at least gaining some closure on the biggest elephant in the plot (nothing bad has technically happened to Nate yet). Bring on Episode 6!

The Magnificent Seven: Inoffensive To A Fault

While the case for remakes of classic films and their merits (or lack thereof) will probably rage on for many years to come, it is safe to say that Hollywood isn't really listening regardless. They seem to like the ease at which they can crank out these pointless remakes, adding current political undertones (The Ghostbusters) or just trying to mimic the original (Psycho) and really adding nothing to the mix in terms of actual quality. Now, with the Magnificent Seven being the next in a long line of remakes that no one actually asked for and one that (let's be honest) wasn't exactly the greatest Western ever made anyway, MGM has decided that we're all lemmings who will watch anything as long as its a “classic” remake. Go ahead and judge that opinion for yourself.

Sadly, The Magnificent Seven is a classic hallmark of not only a bad movie but a completely forgettable one with an eye solely on separating the viewer from their money. It's so inoffensive that it comes off as toothless, often feeling like it didn't have to do much to get that PG-13 (and, therefore, universally acceptable) rating. Its cast is made up of two bankable actors (Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt), two award circuit regulars (Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio) and it even adds the character of Billy Rocks (Byung-hun Lee) seemingly only to attract audiences for its probable future wide release in the Asian markets. Throw in Peter Sarsgaard as a stereotypical villain (everything he does is quite literally “to be evil”), the fact that every joke you will hear in the movie has already been uttered in its trailers and the fact that, even at two-and-half hours, the movie feels light on script and character development and you have something that feels like it was created for presentation purposes only rather than anything related to entertainment.

As for good, the movie does at least get fun during its two action scenes (despite the fact that you saw pretty much everything cool in the trailers). As predictable as they are, they're still loud and fun to watch in a cheesy 70s Western kind of way. And, while I doubt he'd be up for it in the future, Denzel Washington at least looks the part of an awesome cowboy. If he's ever sick of making good movies (Flight) or making bad movies that inexplicably award him (Training Day) he can always fall back on Westerns as a go-to genre. Cynical praise is still praise in my book.

As for watching it, did you see the original and think it needed a remake? If so, knock yourself out. You won't gain anything from it and you'll probably forget the whole plot before you walk out of the theater so, you know, money well spent. Did you like the original and feel that they perfected it back in 1973? 1.) You need to watch more Westerns for comparison and 2.) go watch Storks or something.

Antoine Fuqua (The Equalizer) continues to make remakes of classic properties no one asked for with The Magnificent Seven, a loud, occasionally fun, movie that will take up nearly and eighth of your day and promptly make you forget about it. When robber baron Bartholomew Bogue (Sarsgaard) begins encroaching on a small farming town for the purpose of strip mining it for gold so he can use it to continue being totally evil, citizen Emma (Haley Bennett) recruits bounty hunter Chisolm (Washington) to help them fight off the threat and take back their town. Basically, twenty minutes of action, ninety minutes of recruiting and pathetic character development and forty minutes of dramatic pauses while everyone talks about their forgettable problems that most will wish they would shut up about and shoot something already. Good luck, everybody!

My score: 3/10. After seeing her in five movies, I've come to the conclusion that Haley Bennet's best work is when she plays a corpse (Equalizer, The Girl On The Train)

Sweet/Vicious Episode 4: Tragic Kingdom. Still Treading Water; Somehow Still Going Somewhere

While I'm not sure if I'm more inclined to forgive this series for its easy-to-offend subject matter or if I just see great potential in a series that just doesn't give a damn about its viewers or their wide array of feelings, it says a lot when something like Sweet/Vicious can still manage to feel fresh despite its constant sameness of premise. Yes, I'm aware that the show takes a very fanatic, anti-progressive (they don't need anyone's damn help!) stance on its plots, but they also feature satisfying conclusions in small doses (rapists get hurt badly) and, for the most part, the characters that suck as human beings at least get exposed. While I'm aware that many in the SJW community have fancied the idea of calling out this show for being offensive or, at the very least, insensitive to whatever plight of the oppressed that pops into that groups EXTREMELY tiny area of expertise, I also respect the show for standing up straight and not pulling its punches when it feels like its subject matter needs to be discussed. In this week's episode, that last action works about half the time.

Look, I knew it would have to happen eventually. There was going to have to be that one episode that wasn't at least memorable and even the small group that calls themselves a fan base would even call it "kind of sucky". And, yes, Tragic Kingdom is it in this case. The target, a hazing sorority that fronts as an internet porn site run by its head sisters, feels lazy and overreaching and the actual villains this time weren't nearly as memorable as the previous episodes. If anything, the only thing I personally have against hazing is that it perpetuates the urge of "safe spaces" in colleges that students seem to think carry over to the real world. And, while I still love how the overall main arc with Harris slowly figuring out that the rapist attacks are all connected to a vigilante and Tyler slowly creeping up on where Jules and Ophelia buried his stepbrother, this particular episode lacked in any real feeling.

Fortunately, while it kind of sucked on the B-side of this story for once, it at least tried to make some of the filler interesting. Viewers finally get to meet Ophelia's wealthy socialite, queen bee mother and, while it doesn't really do much besides make the mom seem like more evil than originally thought, it was nice to finally see what Ophelia is dealing with beneath all the snark and angry goth persona she's been maintaining throughout the series. She's not rebelling for the sake of it, but because she seems to know her mother deserves the trouble. Hey, tiny bright spots are still bright spots.

Overall, I'm still hooked enough on this show to keep watching it and hope the series learns before its too late just how awesome Harris is so they can let him continue to piece together exactly what's wrong with Darlington. And, while I still feel Tyler is little more than a stupid romantic interest in a sea of shows that would be better off without him, he is starting to prove himself as a formidable, if clueless, adversary to Jules' and Ophelia's vigilante activity. Even if they can't feel it, viewers have to be feeling the forces of "good" closing in even if they know full well that the only people who will win in that scenario are the bad guys. Check it out.