Sweet/Vicious Episode 5: All Eyez on Me. Busted!

So...that happened.

After 5 weeks of our heroines somehow escaping the authorities but managing to be smarter simply by remaining in the shadows, Ophelia finally ruined their cover by letting their target get the best of the duo. The news is out! There's an attacker on Darlington Campus and everyone (or at least anyone on social media) will know it soon enough and there's nothing Ophelia's hacking skills can do to stop the information from spreading. The noose, so slowly tightening through murder (Tyler's stepbrother), stupid luck (Harris' investigation) and general mayhem (there ARE a great many victims by this point), has finally been pulled taught. Jules won't be able to talk her way out of this and O can't stop the info. Will this be the end of the Darlington Duo?

Okay, let's be honest: despite being a pretty well written show with interesting characters, there's never really been any sense of foreboding in its pacing. Despite going after a star basketball player, a cyber security student and even an entire sorority of sociopathic bitches, there was never any sure sign that it could all come crashing down in a single moment. Well, Episode 5 finally did what the writers have seeming wanted to do this entire season: Jules and Ophelia are now in deeper shit than they've ever been and, even worse, they don't even realize the extent to how badly they're screwed.

Harris, still on his weird little journalistic mission to uncover a silly conspiracy, has finally seen through Ophelia's lies and not only realizes something is up, but also that Jules is likely involved. The victim, apparently directed to act like a spoiled sociopath, finally got an upper hand during a takedown and managed to expose the truth to the world. Nate, Jules' rapist and her best friend's perfect boyfriend, has become bolder in his assertions that nothing bad actually happened and seems primed to do it again (though, if it's another try on Jules, he probably won't be breathing much longer). All of these threads, tied together by both girls feeling like victims for the first time (Ophelia defended herself but came away aware of what almost happened to her and Jules is still broken on the inside), make the show feel like the compelling drama that the creators seemed to intend all along. Regardless of how the next few episodes leading up to the finale play out, its safe to say that either one of our heroes are going down or they're at least gaining some closure on the biggest elephant in the plot (nothing bad has technically happened to Nate yet). Bring on Episode 6!

The Magnificent Seven: Inoffensive To A Fault

While the case for remakes of classic films and their merits (or lack thereof) will probably rage on for many years to come, it is safe to say that Hollywood isn't really listening regardless. They seem to like the ease at which they can crank out these pointless remakes, adding current political undertones (The Ghostbusters) or just trying to mimic the original (Psycho) and really adding nothing to the mix in terms of actual quality. Now, with the Magnificent Seven being the next in a long line of remakes that no one actually asked for and one that (let's be honest) wasn't exactly the greatest Western ever made anyway, MGM has decided that we're all lemmings who will watch anything as long as its a “classic” remake. Go ahead and judge that opinion for yourself.

Sadly, The Magnificent Seven is a classic hallmark of not only a bad movie but a completely forgettable one with an eye solely on separating the viewer from their money. It's so inoffensive that it comes off as toothless, often feeling like it didn't have to do much to get that PG-13 (and, therefore, universally acceptable) rating. Its cast is made up of two bankable actors (Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt), two award circuit regulars (Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio) and it even adds the character of Billy Rocks (Byung-hun Lee) seemingly only to attract audiences for its probable future wide release in the Asian markets. Throw in Peter Sarsgaard as a stereotypical villain (everything he does is quite literally “to be evil”), the fact that every joke you will hear in the movie has already been uttered in its trailers and the fact that, even at two-and-half hours, the movie feels light on script and character development and you have something that feels like it was created for presentation purposes only rather than anything related to entertainment.

As for good, the movie does at least get fun during its two action scenes (despite the fact that you saw pretty much everything cool in the trailers). As predictable as they are, they're still loud and fun to watch in a cheesy 70s Western kind of way. And, while I doubt he'd be up for it in the future, Denzel Washington at least looks the part of an awesome cowboy. If he's ever sick of making good movies (Flight) or making bad movies that inexplicably award him (Training Day) he can always fall back on Westerns as a go-to genre. Cynical praise is still praise in my book.

As for watching it, did you see the original and think it needed a remake? If so, knock yourself out. You won't gain anything from it and you'll probably forget the whole plot before you walk out of the theater so, you know, money well spent. Did you like the original and feel that they perfected it back in 1973? 1.) You need to watch more Westerns for comparison and 2.) go watch Storks or something.

Antoine Fuqua (The Equalizer) continues to make remakes of classic properties no one asked for with The Magnificent Seven, a loud, occasionally fun, movie that will take up nearly and eighth of your day and promptly make you forget about it. When robber baron Bartholomew Bogue (Sarsgaard) begins encroaching on a small farming town for the purpose of strip mining it for gold so he can use it to continue being totally evil, citizen Emma (Haley Bennett) recruits bounty hunter Chisolm (Washington) to help them fight off the threat and take back their town. Basically, twenty minutes of action, ninety minutes of recruiting and pathetic character development and forty minutes of dramatic pauses while everyone talks about their forgettable problems that most will wish they would shut up about and shoot something already. Good luck, everybody!

My score: 3/10. After seeing her in five movies, I've come to the conclusion that Haley Bennet's best work is when she plays a corpse (Equalizer, The Girl On The Train)

Sweet/Vicious Episode 4: Tragic Kingdom. Still Treading Water; Somehow Still Going Somewhere

While I'm not sure if I'm more inclined to forgive this series for its easy-to-offend subject matter or if I just see great potential in a series that just doesn't give a damn about its viewers or their wide array of feelings, it says a lot when something like Sweet/Vicious can still manage to feel fresh despite its constant sameness of premise. Yes, I'm aware that the show takes a very fanatic, anti-progressive (they don't need anyone's damn help!) stance on its plots, but they also feature satisfying conclusions in small doses (rapists get hurt badly) and, for the most part, the characters that suck as human beings at least get exposed. While I'm aware that many in the SJW community have fancied the idea of calling out this show for being offensive or, at the very least, insensitive to whatever plight of the oppressed that pops into that groups EXTREMELY tiny area of expertise, I also respect the show for standing up straight and not pulling its punches when it feels like its subject matter needs to be discussed. In this week's episode, that last action works about half the time.

Look, I knew it would have to happen eventually. There was going to have to be that one episode that wasn't at least memorable and even the small group that calls themselves a fan base would even call it "kind of sucky". And, yes, Tragic Kingdom is it in this case. The target, a hazing sorority that fronts as an internet porn site run by its head sisters, feels lazy and overreaching and the actual villains this time weren't nearly as memorable as the previous episodes. If anything, the only thing I personally have against hazing is that it perpetuates the urge of "safe spaces" in colleges that students seem to think carry over to the real world. And, while I still love how the overall main arc with Harris slowly figuring out that the rapist attacks are all connected to a vigilante and Tyler slowly creeping up on where Jules and Ophelia buried his stepbrother, this particular episode lacked in any real feeling.

Fortunately, while it kind of sucked on the B-side of this story for once, it at least tried to make some of the filler interesting. Viewers finally get to meet Ophelia's wealthy socialite, queen bee mother and, while it doesn't really do much besides make the mom seem like more evil than originally thought, it was nice to finally see what Ophelia is dealing with beneath all the snark and angry goth persona she's been maintaining throughout the series. She's not rebelling for the sake of it, but because she seems to know her mother deserves the trouble. Hey, tiny bright spots are still bright spots.

Overall, I'm still hooked enough on this show to keep watching it and hope the series learns before its too late just how awesome Harris is so they can let him continue to piece together exactly what's wrong with Darlington. And, while I still feel Tyler is little more than a stupid romantic interest in a sea of shows that would be better off without him, he is starting to prove himself as a formidable, if clueless, adversary to Jules' and Ophelia's vigilante activity. Even if they can't feel it, viewers have to be feeling the forces of "good" closing in even if they know full well that the only people who will win in that scenario are the bad guys. Check it out.

Sweet/Vicious Episode 3: Sucker. Deeper Characters; Still Too Much Tyler

Late in Episode 3: Sucker, Jules (Eliza Bennett) FINALLY comes up with something to contribute to the master beat-rapists-senseless plan that she and Ophelia (Taylor Dearden) have been working the kinks out of since Episode 1: they've started informing the victims of the fates of their rapists in an attempt to give said victims some form of closure. While this is still rather dark subject matter for a still pretty awesome comedy, its interesting to see how this show has managed to continue to surprise me with incredible writing and interesting concepts like this. If only Tyler would keep his freaking nose out of it...
Look, even if you haven't seen a single episode of this kind of amazing show yet, know that, while its definitely not for the easily offended, it never shies away from the very soul of its concept. Jules no longer feels so much like a victim as a person who suffered and refused to be defined by the crime perpetrated against her and Ophelia remains her mostly trusted sidekick and, when these forces combine, comic gold and great things tend to happen. Throw in the fact that the whole BLM-themed arc for Harrison seems to have come and gone without any long term consequences and you have a show that still remains at the top of its quality even after three episodes that...basically give the viewer the same plot over and over (let's watch a bunch of rapists get mugged and assaulted because that would be awesome!). Hey. If you can make it fun, keep doing it!
As for bad, can someone give Tyler (Nick Fink) something interesting to do already? I'm okay with the character as is for the moment (he's basically Jules' romantic interest/noose tightener) and I understand why he continues to pop up every once in a while (he's kind of unknowingly pivotal to the whole Jules/Ophelia murder cover up), but, man, does he feel completely wasted as a character. He still hasn't figured out that Jules is a rape survivor (despite the obvious signs), he doesn't seem at all perturbed by Jules' behavior around both himself and other men and, considering its really the only reason he's here, he's so freaking slow to figure out that something might have happened to his stepbrother that it almost feels rapturous when he finally realizes that foul play might be involved. And, while we're on the subject of Tyler's stepbrother, why the hell did Jules attack him in the first place? The police were already after the douchebag and it was only a matter of time before they came down on his head! The cop even said that his victims had "lawyered up" and were coming for him! I thought Jules was supposed to go after the guys that got away...
Whatever. Its still a great show, the characters are still fun (except for Tyler) and there seems to finally be some kind of settling going down in the whole story arcs. The fact that even Fiona (Lindsay Chambers) seems to realize that the string of attacks don't coincide with the official reports (muggings vs. attacks on the rapists) seems to indicate that the writers know they can't maintain some oddball sense of secrecy forever. My only question: when someone does figure out the connection, who's in bigger trouble? Jules/Ophelia for the wave of assaults, the rapists for getting away from it or the campus/city police for blowing off the investigations? Even with some of these growing pains still apparent, I can't wait to find out.

Arrival: Needs More Invasion

Its no secret why movies like War of the Worlds, Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, They Live, and The Faculty were successful at the box office while movies like Contact, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Starman tended to fail commercially but managed to find critical acceptance: angry, hostile aliens are just more interesting. Sure, its nice to think that some intelligent life form would like to come forward and try to unite the world with a big handshake all around the planet so we can all sing about buying the world a Coke but, more likely, said encounter would probably end with the alien species realizing we're a bunch of violent, self-suppressed cavemen that would better serve the universe as its newest extinct species. With the always stale aliens-might-be-friendly snoozefest genre greeting its newest member with Arrival, I don't think Hollywood is yet ready to abandon that particularly obnoxious premise. We get to suffer for it.

To be nice, Arrival isn't a complete waste of time if you know how to approach it. As a serious, introspective movie about the need for international communication and peaceful coexistence and the usual neoliberal nonsense about making the world a better place through “kind acts”, it fits this bill very well. The whole plot, basically the mystery of encountering an alien race and trying to communicate with them via adapting and mixing our languages, is a clever premise with some interesting ideas about humanity that is complemented by great acting turns by both Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner (both of whom will probably be considered during the awards season) and some great sound mixing and visual effects. If this movie could have sold itself solely on its first act, this could have been a taut thriller with surprising turns that, mixed with its rather insane twist at the end, could have felt up there with 2001: Space Odyssey or Inception.

Unfortunately, while the movie is great as an introspective piece, it breaks Cardinal Rule #1: it's not actually fun to watch. It's not an action movie, any violence shown is portrayed at a distance via television monitors or over distant sound effects, the aliens are little more than giant hand people who like to talk in confusing symbols that only the most boring Symbologist in the world would find interesting and the whole plot can't keep from constantly going back to the age-old safe space of the crisis being due to “a lack of globalization”. I get it: the world would be a better place if everybody worked together and we just shared everything. But, if you're going to make a one hundred-plus minute movie extolling this virtue, you should at least make it entertaining before you start spouting your beliefs. Priorities, people!

As for watching it, do you need a nap? This is the first guaranteed cure for insomnia in the sci-fi genre since Jodie Foster tried to convince me she could pull it off in Contact, so go for it if that's what's ailing you. Do you prefer your science fiction interesting AND exciting? Search elsewhere.

Denis Villeneuve (Prisoners) takes his introspective of humanities direction style into the science fiction realm with Arrival, a well-made, if mind numbingly boring, take on the whole first contact premise. When giant, black monoliths land on numerous points around the globe, language specialist Louise Banks (Adams) and astrophysicist Ian Donnely (Renner) must try to bridge the language gap between the two species before other human leaders decide to take preemptive action against the perceived alien threat. Along the way, you will learn interesting histories about language (the origin of Kangaroos) which are totally made up, spend long periods of time watching people stare at monitors and then have your mind messed with by a twist that is far too awesome for the boring movie that precedes it. Rent it in a few months, watch the first ten minutes and just fast forward to the last twenty. You might actually stay awake for that.

My score: 4/10. I guess the term “Oscar Worthy” really does mean “pretentious, boring and with no entertainment value based on the opinions of the masses who are expected to watch it”. Go figure.

Sweet/Vicious Episode 2: The Writing On The Wall. Standing Still, Yet Moving Forward

The biggest problem I've found with new series is that, regardless of how well they may nail the pilot episode (which Sweet/Vicious did in spades), every show is only as good as its follow up. You can sell American Horror Story and each of its seasons for their unique and interesting twists, but you can never go back on the traditionally terrible recap of each season's second episode. Good news and bad news: Sweet/Vicious avoids this pitfall well enough while still acknowledging it.
For all intents and purposes, Episode 2: The Writing On The Wall feels like the second act of a pretty interesting (and mostly entertaining) buddy cop comedy. Jules (Eliza Bennet) and Ophelia (Taylor Deardon) are still technically on the run (by "on the run" I mean "trying to get rid of a human body currently decaying in a trunk"), Jules' sorority sisters are still confused about what's wrong with her and can't seem to see past themselves to notice the obvious, the Darlington Police department seems to be clueless enough to justify Jules' vigilante activities and Harris (Brandon Mychal Smith) is still the most awesome clueless secondary character out there. Throw in a pretty insightful turn by Ophelia as the only person who seems to realize exactly why Jules is doing the whole vigilante-on-escaped-rapists thing and the still wonderful, wry sense of humor that would feel out of place anywhere else and you still have one of the smarter comedies I've seen in recent years. It all just comes up in a big win!
As for bad, while I can appreciate more Harris time (because, as said before, the kid is freaking awesome in this), I could do without the suddenly racist police force that was only hinted at in a joking manner in Episode 1. The fact that the scene literally has nothing to do with the rest of the episode makes it feel unnecessary at best and pandering to the already kind of silly philosophy of BLM at its worst. This, along with the still niggling problem of Jules NOT TAKING OUT HER ULTIMATE TARGET are two things that the series ultimately feels like its going through growing pains to try to rectify.
Whatever. It's still an awesome show, the humor is still spot-on, Ophelia is still the coolest pothead/goth chick/hacker/sarcastic sidekick you could ask for, Jules feels like she's finally growing as a character (because of the whole "acknowledgement" part) and, even after those problematically uneven aspects that carried over from Episode 1 (Namely, the continuation of how to deal with the dead body and the kind of lackluster answer to where the stupid car actually went) it still feels like the show is growing. It feels like this dynamic duo has finally found their calling (which will most likely be tasing rapists in the balls) and they're finally prepared to be the heroes Darlington College needs but doesn't deserve (because it needs its Batman). The pink backpack is the new utility belt!

Wolf Creek The Series: Makes More Sense Than The Movies...

While horror movies have never really been known for their cohesive plots (they're mostly a series of vignettes about stupid teenagers and their deadly allergies to sharp objects wielding by homicidal maniacs), the Wolf Creek series stands out as one that is particularly disjointed. While I understand that it was a product of its time (that being when torture porn horror flicks were popular) it never really helped that the series is little more than a bloodletting simulator with limited characters, silly-to-nonexistent plotlines and some pretty scenery to beat. Yes, it did help jump start the career of John Jarrett as the consistent villain Mick Taylor (who really does stick out as great villain despite his limited characterization as a sadistic psychopath), but that didn't stop the movies from being anything but a well-shot reason NOT to visit Australia. Now, apparently running that particular theatrical well dry and wondering where to go, the powers that be have decided to make the whole concept one big canon plotline, add a poorly constructed American protagonist (who's actually Australian) and, basically, make it one big game of cat and mouse. The result? A somewhat endearing effort with enough tension and character development to justify its miniseries but still just as disjointed as the movies.

Look, despite what it may seem like, I really do like this series. Lucy Fry is a fun actress to watch and, considering her very slim resume, its interesting to see her in a role that requires a lot of range for once. And, while I still say that the only reason Jarrett is popular in America is for playing the same damn character over and over, I'm happy to point out that he can still play that played out character as a great villain. Points for keeping my interest for the whole six hours at least.

The problem? The first two episodes are quite literally Eve (Fry) stumbling about trying to figure out her purpose in this whole revenge plot against Mick Taylor and, to be perfectly honest, it makes the character seem stupid and the show to feel much more boring than it should. This problem, compounded by the fact that the series is halfway over before Mick even realizes Eve is after him to begin with, makes the whole cat-and-mouse of the last few episodes feel tacked on and ridiculous.

Nevertheless, its still an interesting series with some clever plot twists mostly held back by its own limited writing and appeal (how many people are really fans of Australian Torture Porn?). I can honestly say I was rooting for Eve the entire time and never felt the urge to watch her come to harm (unlike most of the horror movies I watch where I want to see the unlikeable characters die horribly as quickly as possible). Give it a try. Worst case scenario: you get tired of the Australian dialect and don't ever want to see Crocodile Dundee again (who would want to watch that more than once anyway?).

Sweet/Vicious Episode 1: The Blueprint Review. Laughing All The Way To Hell!

While it has never affected me in any way, there seems to be a taboo against making certain things funny. While I can sympathize with victims who might be offended by something related to the crime they may have suffered through (rape, murder of a loved one, some horrible childhood trauma), I'm also aware that I myself am immune to the ability to be offended (I lost the part of my soul required to be offended while watching G-Force) and, therefore, don't see the need for things like censorship and good taste when I can't really tell the difference to begin with. Now, with MTV, that once musically-inclined channel, trying to fill its timeslots with drama and actually beginning to succeed (Faking It, Teen Wolf, Scream), it seems timely that they would finally stumble across something that doesn't seem possible: A Date Rape Comedy. The scary part? Its kind of awesome.
Yes, readers, somehow, despite not being in some inverted universe where taste and decency have somehow switched, Sweet/Vicious is actually a pretty great comedy. It doesn't shy away from its subject matter, its characters are fun and interesting, the actual plot is intriguing and it somehow even manages to make murder funny. I'm not making that last part up! A murder is committed in the pilot episode and it leads to the funniest parts of the entire episode. I don't know if I should be faux insulted or just impressed!
As for bad, probably due to this still being an MTV show and, therefore, suffering from the usual bouts of bad writing and plotting, much of the main plot that feels like the writers are trying to stretch for the season are far too easy to figure out. Within thirty seconds of meeting Jules (Eliza Bennett), I knew she was a victim and within ten more minutes, I knew who the ultimate target of her wrath was going to be. While this didn't necessarily make me root for her less, it was kind of disheartening that the writers couldn't wait at least a couple of episodes to drop part of that bombshell. Maybe they, like myself, just don't have that much faith in their intended demographics' attention spans.
Whatever! The show is awesome and you should totally check it out. Some people will probably find offense in the whole Date Rape Can Be Funny premise, but, to be honest, when you fill it with this many interesting characters and know how to fire a joke right for the throat like this episode did time and again, you can safely judge it by its merits despite the discomfort it is trying to convey. Here's to hoping they manage to keep this momentum and the ironic testicular fortitude! Yes, I'm aware that I'm probably going to Hell for liking this show as much as I do. Maybe it will have better TV...

Scream Queens Season 2 Episode 5: Finally, We're Getting Somewhere!

Early in Episode 5, after (spoilers!) Darlene has been electrocuted and Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) has decided to cover up the entire ordeal in order to protect the C.U.R.E. Institute, the cast stumbles across the entire cast of the musical Hamilton literally strung from the rafters of the hospital's waiting room. As most of the characters worry about who could have done such a horrible thing, Chanel #3 (Billie Lourds) utters the first thing I've heard resembling comic gold since the return of this rather awkwardly paced series: "We should look for the guy dressed like Aaron Burr!".  And, with that, the seemingly long hiatus of Scream Queens Season 2 has finally accomplished the perceived impossible task: for that brief moment, I actually felt like the series might be able to reclaim the stupid fun of its predecessor season.
Look, I know there's a lot of reasons to overlook this series. The plot is stupid, none of the characters are really likeable, the dialog borders on inane and even the funnier jokes are only worth a mild chuckle that don't really require too much from the whole thought process. If anything, it just feels like another Ryan Murphy/Fox hybrid circle jerk that produced the likes of Glee (sophomoric nonsense masquerading as a tolerance message that grows more obnoxious with each season) and American Horror Story (interesting premise that never lives up to its early stuff because they just can't seem to write a great ending). If anything, I could accuse humanity for failing intelligent life because, while nearly perfect shows like Community struggled with ratings throughout their life spans, Glee never had a problem drawing the tween-anything-with-musical-numbers-must-be-good-because-they-did-it-in-High-School-Musical crowd and their parents over to their increasingly condescending ( the "how the world should be" crap they kept shoveling) message that that particular nonsensical tripe offered for entertainment.
But, fortunately, Scream Queens was the rare Murphy-led product that didn't feel like it was trying to be better than you or guilt trip you into liking it. It was just stupidity masquerading as mindless fun with nothing beneath the surface. There was no ulterior motive, no character who we were supposed to like because they were gay/handicapped/fat/non-white and no real plot beyond "watch what these dumb bitches do and remember to laugh if they die because they deserve it!". All in all, considering Murphy's early attempt at heady TV fare, this ranked as the rare pure consumption option that was never going to be an awards show regular or even a ratings shark. It just existed solely to exist and we were expected to merely like it or not. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Star Trek Beyond: Old Star Trek Done New (And Right For Once)

I know I'm in the unpopular opinion when I say the first two movies in the Star Trek reboot have been kind of terrible. Sure, 2009 Star Trek was fun to watch with all the Red Bull-infused action scenes and some genuinely funny moments from the new cast, but that only slightly covered up the fact that the movie was kind of brain dead plot-wise and didn't seem to know how to shoot a single non-action scene without a lens flare. Throw in an entirely godawful reworking of arguably the best movie in the entire Star Trek franchise with Into Darkness (stupid plot, wasted potential, idiotic character arcs, MORE LENS FLARES) and you had a new franchise seemingly aimed at telling an audience they were idiots while taking their money. Now, with J.J. Abrams off playing with Stormtroopers and Paramount desperate to continue this now-farcically bad parody of what made the 60s TV series so great, Justin Lin has taken the reins to see what his rather incredible action chops can do with a property once known more for its intelligence than any action scene. The result: a nearly perfect Star Trek movie. Yeah, I'm impressed.

Star Trek Beyond is awesome. The color palate, unlike the previous sequels and their overly dark motifs, is vibrant and pleasant, the named crew finally gets enough screen time to be something more than place holders, villain Krall (Idris Elba) is somehow insane AND sympathetic, the action sequences are well-made and fun to watch, Uhura (Zoe Saldana) finally gets to do stuff other than be a whiny Spock girlfriend and space station city Yorktown somehow brilliantly fuses the whole reckless abandon adventure mentality of the original series with the quasi-utopian vision of The Next Generation. You heard that right: this movie was practically made for both Star Trek TV camps. Even Gene Roddenberry couldn't do that!

As for bad, while Bones (Karl Urban), Spock (Zachary Quinto), Uhura (Saldana) and Scotty (Simon Pegg) all finally step out of the shadow of Kirk (Chris Pine) to become well-rounded, believable characters in their own rights, neither Chekhov (Anton Yelchin) nor Sulu (John Cho) actually have anything to do and still kind of remain the same blank slates they've been for three movies now. While this is can be chalked up to the already two-plus hour movie being somehow too short, it does unfortunately make the rather forced “Sulu has a husband” plot line feel like Director Lin was only doing it because he just couldn't think of anything else to make at least one of these characters minutely more interesting. Whatever. Five out of seven from one out of seven isn't bad progress.

As for watching the movie: do that. Seriously. If you liked the original 60s series and found the Abrams movies to be too much flare and no substance, this is what you've been subconsciously pining for these last 8 years. If you somehow liked The Next Generation and its exciting ways to have alien conferences calls, the whole “perfect world” aesthetic will make you happy enough to fall for this movie and maybe even give the original another go. How's that for progressive?

Justin Lin (Fast and Furious 6) proves he can not only make bland plots awesome but can somehow save a franchise from itself with Star Trek Beyond, a fun, sometimes hilarious, always hopeful look at what would probably happen if we'd just give NASA our money for spaceships already! 3 years into their 5 year exploration mission, Kirk and Co. respond to a distress signal in an uncharted nebula that promptly destroys the Enterprise and strands them in various regions of the hostile planet. Go watch the movie to find out the rest. If The Beastie Boys aren't your favorite band afterward, you weren't watching it right.

My score: 9/10. Rest in Peace, Anton Yelchin. You were a lousy Kyle Reese (Terminator: Salvation) and your agent put you in too many romantic comedies (Burying The Ex), but when a cowardly character had to man-up to face an impossible evil (Odd Thomas, Fright Night, The Green Room), no one did it better than you. Respect.

Intro From An Intro(vert)

Greetings, readers! I'm The Introvert (notice how I capitalized the "T" in The to make it sound more official because High School English totally rocks?)! I am a freelance movie critic who, when the crippling loneliness of my existence lends itself to my becoming the occasional existential nihilist (it's a fad), try to find ways to make sense of it all; usually in the form of angry reviews for movies I paid to see and don't feel the world should have to suffer through as well. Due to the fact that I'm currently only publishing the unpublished reviews, it may feel like I'm reviewing movies that you saw weeks ago and already watched and, therefore, don't need to actually be convinced whether or not to see it. Fear not! Since I do this on a weekly basis (and enjoy the voice in my head that reveals itself in a series of asides in my articles), the reviews shall still commence until I'm either a.) tired of it all, b.) dead, or c.) have been jailed after discovering the address of J.J. Abrams' Malibu home, driving to said location and beating him senseless with a baseball bat while screaming "Khan!" between swings (hopefully this won't be forwarded to any future juries).